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The Boy Scout motto which tells us to be prepared is a useful reminder to those of us in closed adoptions. I will be the first to admit that as a birth mother, I was not prepared for reunion. In fact, I had my head so buried in the sand, I never even thought of myself as a birth mother.
Preparing for the possibility of reunion was even less on my mind. I knew so little about adoption searches that I figured if my son did not search when he first became of age at 18 or 21 that he probably never would. Now, I know that the mid-thirties are the most common age for a search.
As for me searching, that would have required me to pull my head out of the sand and face reality. Only once as my son was growing up did I admit to myself that it was important enough to me that I considered some action. I wrote a letter to the agency that handled his adoption. However, I did not have the courage to actually mail that letter.
Personally, I was about as unprepared for reunion as anyone possibly could have been. Although I was not prepared for reunion, I was ready in some internal ways. The instant I heard that my son was searching for me, I knew that I wanted to know him. It was as though a switch clicked on.
My heart was ready even though nothing else was. When my son found me, I quickly signed up for a crash course in adoption and reunion. I became nearly obsessed with the entire subject and went for some much needed therapy. I did all the right things and some days, it still did not seem enough.
For adoptees, whether you search or not, preparing yourself mentally for the possibility of a being found makes a great deal of sense. Reading about the historical elements of the time of your relinquishment could go a long way towards helping you to understand your birth mother’s experiences.
Adoptee are occasionally not interested in contact and do not wish to be found. However, even if that is the case, you need to be open to the possibility in case you are found.
For adoptive parents, learning about search and reunion can help you understand and support your child. If you have some comprehension of what motivates a child or adult to search, it might take some of the fear or disappointment out of the situation for you. When you adopted your child, you may have been told that if you love your child enough they will have no need to know birth family. This is not always the case.
Although some adopted children may not want to know birth family, others do. They need to know that it is okay to search if they feel that it is something that they want to do. All triad members in closed adoptions can benefit from considering either a search or the possibility of being found.
