The answer to this will depend on what you hoped to get out of it. Most people however will say that they are glad they did it. There is a whole spectrum of eventual relationships - from those where a close emotional bond develops, to those where people are disappointed and disillusioned by what they find, and the large range in the middle where there are ups and downs. It may take some time before you feel able to evaluate what is has meant. People often talk of needing about two years to get through all the stages of adjustment to this new relationship with each other. For everyone however, there is at least the satisfaction of “knowing”. For adoptees there is the knowledge that you have put the “jigsaw pieces” together, the feeling that you know you look like someone else. For birth parents, there is the end to the questions of whether the son or daughter is dead or alive, happy or not. For most, there is relief from the end to secrecy, which alone can help you feel more open and freer.

I believe one of the keys to a successful reunion is the willingness of all involved to scratch beneath the surface of both mothers and each will find tales of hardship and triumph, of learning how to cope with change and loss. Triad members have all lost so much that is important to them, whether it was the love of their life, often times their first born, siblings, and still they have the life force that’s so remarkable and inspiring.

This year will be 13 years since I found my birth mother deceased. As I reflect on these years I still feel that this was one of the most difficult and stressful experiences in my life. However, I have learned to accept myself as I am. There is no absolute relationship between the situation and response, and I am free to choose how to respond to any given situation. Finally, I am responsible for my life. I am not saying that I am never down or depressed. There are times that I still get frustrated and angry, but what I realize is that it’s not what happens to me that matters, it’s what I choose to do with it. For me, finding a grave was certainly a tragedy in my life, but it does not have to mean a life of tragedy.

It would have been so easy to stay in a place of pain, questioning “Why me?” or “What if?” questioning life, or feeling sadness and sorrow. My numbness turned to anger and through healing I accepted the reality of finding a grave. At the same time I realized how many people who cared about me I was hurting. This was when I decided to help someone else and by doing this I began the healing process for myself. I realized that my healing isn’t about searching for the answers I will never receive or being angry with my birth mother or blaming others because she is deceased. I accepted that my birth mother is deceased and the second loss of my birth mother and my healing is about healing within. It’s about being motivated by ethics, serenity and quality of life, not achievement, performance and material things.

Although I wasn’t able to meet or have a relationship with my birth mother I do have a deep sense of knowing that we are both truly connected. Over the past several years I have realized I not only have healed but also continue to heal more and more as each day goes by. This has also helped me to access more of my own heart and allowed me to feel more. As the years pass, I miss my birth mother in a deeper way but at the same time feel more peace with her as well.