Recently someone asked me a few questions about being contacted by an intermediary on behalf of someone they were separated from through adoptions a few decades ago.

This initial contact left this person with lump in her stomach and she felt as if her world was turned upside down She also had a sense of relief and excitement. She had a variety of feelings surface from elation to sadness, joy to anger, along with a high level o f anxiety and an overwhelming need to have immediate contact.

In general it is safe to say that the person who searches is more ready for and more prepared for reunion than the person who is found. The searcher has been actively thinking about their feelings their entire search and thought of many of the possible outcomes. The person being found will need time to catch up in their thoughts and feelings and it is important to think about what is happening and what it means to them. Reality is that the person being found could decide that the time is not right for them or that they have no wish to be in touch with the person who has initiated the search. If this is the case, it may help for the searcher to know that contact may be an option in the future.

One part of the triad that may feel left of the reunion process is the adoptive family. Search can stir up a lot of feelings such as a fear of losing the child they have raised and loved. For the adoptee the relationship with the adoptive parents is an important relationship and they don’t want to jeopardize it. So, lots of reassuring the adoptive parents, including them, and being open and honest can help the adoptive parents feel more at east with reunion The bonds that have been formed by the years of love are often strengthened by reunion.

Another aspect of relationships affected is with partners and children. These relationships are also affected or even strained as people try to negotiate a place in their lies for the newly found family member.

If the person found is open to contact the intermediary will usually but not always suggest that they exchange letters at first so that they can find out more about each other without having direct contact. Often times these letters go through the agency.

Some may suggest that email is a good way of communicating. However, keep in mind that email can result in people feeling overwhelmed as there can be a tendency to feel an instant response is expected. Letters allow a slower pace with time to stop and reflect on what the other person said and what you want to say in response.

Some may decide they want or would like to be in telephone contact or some may prefer to meet rather than speak on the phone. There is no right or wrong and it is all about feeling comfortable with the way things are progressing.