“My son is searching for me?”, I did not say that out loud, but, as my brain was racing and trying to process what I had just heard, that is what I was thinking. “Is it really possible?” was my next thought.

Certainly, I knew that adoption reunions happened these days once in a while. However, I still believed that they were extremely rare. I actually did not think about it much as I was so deeply dedicated to protecting my secret. Thinking about my relinquished son was something I avoided as much as I could.

When I thought of his adoption, and that I allowed it to happen, I felt deep shame and regret – and it hurt too much to allow myself to "feel" the pain too often. Therefore, I expended a great deal of energy in trying NOT to think about my son. I pretended that I had “gotten over” the whole sad event of his adoption. I told myself that I was okay and that losing him was a one time event from which I had recovered. He was not “real” to me, and, therefore, his loss did not had not yet sunk in.

So many conflicting emotions hit me all at once when I heard the social worker tell me that my son had been searching for me. My first reaction was shock and fear. I had not told my other children, nor my husband about my relinquished son. I was afraid to tell anyone. Over the years, I had the urge to share my "secret" with a friend, but,I never did.

For all those years, I was terrified that someone would find out and expose me. I felt as though I was living a double life in a sense, like a fraud. Although on the surface, I pretended to be a decent good person, I knew better. I had given my baby away and feel deep guilt and remorse. I felt like a criminal.

Being found altered my life forever in seconds. My son became “real” to me and an overwhelming sense of regret and grief engulfed me. I could no longer deny his loss and the longing that I had to know who, where and how he was. My love for my son had never disappeared. However, it was buried so deeply that only reunion could blow off the lid and allow my true feelings to rise to the surface. In a heartbeat, I released the tight constraints that kept all my feelings for my son neatly packaged and hidden away.

There was no conscious act on my part as to deciding to stop denying my feelings for my son. They just did, and I realize how fortunate I am that I could reconnect with my true feelings for my son. I had no control over the situation. When I started remembering the days of my pregnancy, I recalled how eager and joyous I had been awaiting his birth. The love for him that I had tried so long to pretend no longer existed since “he wasn’t my son, but somehow else’s” hit me like a tidal wave. Suddenly, I knew that he WAS my son, always had been and always would be. He had another mother, but, I too was his mother.

To Be Continued........................................