Over the weekend I encountered a searching adoptee whose anger is sadly getting the best of her. After a few email exchanges with her, I thought it might be good to write about the losses of adoption and grief.
The thing with adoption is that there are gains and losses for all triad members. Adoptees gain parents while losing their birth parents. Adoptive parents who are infertile become parents while losing the dream of giving birth to a child. Birth parents are relieved of the parenting while losing a child.

Even in the world of open adoptions, there is loss. There is no way around it. No matter how we look at it, every adoptee loses their birth family, even in open adoptions. These losses can lead to anger.

Along with loss is grief. The stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) can appear in any order and at any time during a triad member’s life. No matter what happens in a triad member’s life and no matter what life events take place, the adoption losses are always there. They do not go away. It is a loss and avoiding the grief will just postpone dealing with it. You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, and you can’t go around it. You have to go through it. I really think that part of the healing process is to validate and honor the losses of adoption with ourselves and in the other triad members.

Searching is a roller coaster ride. There is no doubt that it is a highly emotional journey. It has many ups and downs. It is important to follow your gut and expect to be fearful. You may feel that you shouldn’t search. Expect yourself to be angry. There are going to be brick walls along the way but do not give up and keep the hope. There are going to be times that you feel the situation is unfair and should not have happened. You may try and find someone to blame. For example, the, the adoptee that I encountered this weekend was blaming me personally for her not being able to complete her search. This is just where she is at in her search. She is angry and she is looking for someone to blame.

One of the things you can do is to read. Some reading can inspire. Some can anger but ALL can teach. You can learn about other people’s searches. What worked and what didn’t. Keep your mind, heart, eyes, and ears open to the message of each.