There was an abrupt shift in my feelings after the revelation that I still loved my son hit me. It was safe to love him now I thought. Therefore, I finally allowed myself the luxury of loving him, and came out of the denial I had used as a crutch for so many years.

I suddenly was thrilled at the thought of talking to my son, and maybe even having the chance to meet him. I had never imagined that it would be possible to find him, and now, I leapt at the chance to be in touch with him.

The fear no longer controlled me, I knew I had to be strong. The fact that my son wanted to be in touch with me became all important. Nothing else mattered. I believed that I had failed him before, but, was determined that I would not do so again. I felt I had a wondrous opportunity before me. For me, it all happened very quickly. Some birth mothers need time to process and decide how they do feel. I did not. My feelings for my son surfaced right after the phone call, and sealed our fate.

After the social worker told me that my son was searching for me, I remember saying nothing at all for a time. What is the proper response for such a proclamation? Does one even exist? While I was mute, she kept on talking. She told me that she knew that the news must come as a big shock to me. “Take down my phone number,” she instructed me. “Think about whether you want contact with him or not, and then call me in a few days. It is up to you to decide”, she continued on.

Finally I emerged from my stupor-like state and spoke. “No,” I said firmly with conviction, “I will call you back tomorrow.” I did call her back the next day, and gave her my answer.

To Be Continued.....................................