Adoption Search, Birth Family Search, Reunion - Adoptive Parents Who Help and Feel Threatened

Adoption Search Blog

06/14/06

Adoptive Parents Who Help and Feel Threatened

Posted by : Karen Sterner in Adoption Search Blog at 07:15 pm , 357 words, 220 views
Categories: Triad Issues, Adoptive Parents, Understanding Adoptive Parents

I think it is natural for adoptive parents to have strong conflicting emotions even if they are supportive of their child and sympathize with their need to search for a birth parent. However, for the adoptee, the longing in their spirit is to become peaceful and have a new understanding.

Even though adoptive parents were supportive in the search, when the search is completed they may experience some strong conflicting emotions. They may become fearful and angry; they may also feel sorrow, jealousy, betrayal, guilt and a sense of failure. These feelings may be tangled up in feelings of sympathy, interest, relief and a sense of achievement.

These conflicting feelings about the “unknown family” may be eased if the adoptive parents are able to accept that other adoptive parents have survived similar experiences and that reunion may strengthen their relationship with their child. Reunion is a major life event for the adoptee as well as a major life change. It may come with advantages and disadvantages and there will be a period of time where everyone has to adjust to the situation.

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As with any major life event there will be a period where everyone may go through some growing pains. However, with good will, and patience, adoption reunion can bring adoptive parents and their children closer together.

The outcome of search and reunion is hard to predict however, it seems to be the general consensus that adoptees and birth parents don’t regret initiating a search, contact, or reunion, even if the end result is negative or less than they hoped for.

Finding a grave was difficult and I went through a lot of various emotions; however, knowing what I know now and knowing that I would find a grave and everything that came along with that, I would do it all over again and not change a thing.

Adoptive parents can remain open to reunion by attending a support group, seeking counseling or reading stories about the experiences of people who have been through reunion. When the adoption issues are dealt with, relationships can be stronger and closer. You may even feel relieved and fulfilled.

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Comment from: Kathymcneilquilts [Member]

"Courage"
48 x48
Copyright 2006,
Kathy McNeil

Dedicated to my youngest daughter and her birthmother.

I wrote her letters every year until my daughter started school. I still find myself whispering the latest news, hoping that somehow it will find it’s way to her. She would be so proud of this little one we share. A University sophomore, now, 5 feet tall, smart, beautiful, stubborn, and one of the worlds greatest procrastinators.

Is it 50/50? Nature -versus nurture? If so, then we would have a lot to discuss. What came from where? The stubbornness is up for grabs. Her beauty and charm, I definitely will have to concede.

I think about you a lot. Maybe more than our daughter does at this phase of her young exciting life. She is almost the same age as when you made this monumental decision. Would it have all been different, if your circumstances at this age had been similar to hers?

The letters have never been read. When my daughter was twelve, we sent extra money to the agency asking that they try and find an updated address or contact. We were told that after that first year, they had not been able to locate any forwarding information. At this time, my daughter says she is not interested in searching, but the connection between the three of us still exists.

A connection of courage and hope. That little one, wide eyed, trusting that love will help her become the best of whom God created her to be.

Each mother filled with a different type of courage. Hoping that love would conquer many of the obstacles in her path. We share this amazing young woman. I wish there was a way to reassure you that she has thrived with our love. An image of that connection came to me in a way that words could not express. So I made a visual verse from hundreds of scraps of fabric. A quilt that holds the courage and love that all three of us share.

Soon it will be my turn to let her go out in to the world. Her wings are strong, her character solid, her choices wise. I will borrow your courage. She will continue to thrive. The 50/50 we have given her will be enough.

Kathy McNeil is the mother of two Korean born adopted children.. The copyrighted quilted image she created is available as a limited edition print. adoption art quilt by kathy mcneil

Permalink 06/15/06 @ 09:55