Society and adoption has changed a great deal in the United States since the 1950’s, 1960’s, and even the 1970’s. Society has become more accepting of unwed mothers or single parents. Adoption has changed in the manner of instead of closed adoption; there are options for openness that didn’t exist at the time I was adopted. The attitudes toward adoption are more positive.

I think that a lot of parents try to understand their children by observing their behavior and listening to what they say. As the child gets older, I think adoptive parents have a difficult time letting go.. I don’t know if it is because they have waited so long and worked so hard to become parents or if it is something else. I don’t think it is always easy to immediately figure out what makes your child respond a certain way but what is more important is for your child to truly feel heard and validated. There are times in our lives that as adults we all need another person to listen and try to understand. In adoptive family’s homes today, I think it is important to understand that behavior is driven b y feelings. Listen to what your child is telling you about his feelings through his or her behavior.

Separation anxiety is something that I think all children go through but I also believe that it can be more prevalent in families that were created through adoption. I personally feel that it is best to encourage parents to consider whether or not their own issues around letting go may be influencing the child’s separation anxiety. It isn’t whether or not the parents have these feelings but rather that you are able to identify them and still offer your child what he or she needs. As a parent, it is your responsibility to meet your needs while meeting your child’s needs first. So, as adoptive parents of today it is important to explore within yourself what might be going on inside you and processing that with other adults. I strongly believe then you will be able to support your child in what he or she needs to do.

As your adopted child gets older her or she may feel as if they are not like their adoptive parents. If the adopted child has brown hair and brown eyes and everyone else in the family has blond hair and blue eyes can feel as if they don’t fit in. The physical characteristics is just an example but other differences may also cause feelings of not fitting in. I think that pointing out the similarities in the family can help the child feel more connected. It is my opinion that if you do this you are helping your child feel connected to you with pointing out the likes and dislikes, facial expressions, fears, and pleasures.

During my growing up years, I spent a lot of time comparing myself to my peers and thought about who is smarter, more athletic, prettier, richer, and the list went on. In hindsight I think I was trying to figure out who was better and who was worse. I was inferior in many areas and I think this is why I didn’t try as hard to achieve in other areas. I think that that if I knew that there were other kids like me who were also adopted I would have felt more normal.

I learned I was adopted for the first time at a conscious level, I was 11 years old. By the time I was in my teens I saw this as being a problem. This was the first time that I realized in order to be adopted someone had to give me away. I struggled with what this meant about myself.

I truly believe that the best gift that adoptive parents can give their child today is the opportunity to talk about their feels and to be heard. Be prepared that your child’s feelings may be directed at you but are not about you. You are the safe one. Your child knows that you can hear the feelings he or she is experiencing and you will not turn away. You can’t fix the feelings or take them away…just listen.