Some adoptive parents are heard to say, "What about me?" at reunion. Reunion is not about adoptive parents. It is not for their benefit, nor are they the main characters in a reunion. During a reunion, they play a minor role. I believe that it is crucial for adoptive parents to understand and accept that reunion is not a time for them to be center of attention. Most adoptive parents understand this.

Want to give your child a priceless gift at reunion? Unless asked to participate, stand back and let the reunion develop between your child and their birth parent(s). It is important to understand that the main focus of a reunion should be between the two main parties – the parent and child.

In a closed adoption, the adoptive parents generally have had a chance to bond with and develop a relationship with their child with no interference from the birth family for many years by the time a reunion occurs. The birth parents disappeared as they were “supposed to” in most cases and the adoptive parents had an exclusive relationship with the child.

When a reunion is at hand, adoptive parents need to step back and not interfere, and/or compete for attention. I do not mean that they need to disappear completely as the birth parents were asked to do. However, I do mean that they should not push their way into the reunion, but instead should be on the sidelines. They should be on the sidelines when some support is needed, but other than that they need not inject themselves into the reunion, especially in the beginning.

Sometimes when adoptive parents read reunion articles, they quite naturally wonder how the adoptive parents of the adoptee are dealing with the reunion. That seems entirely normal to me. You can learn from hearing how others deal with reunion.

However, some adoptive parents go a step further and question why the adoptive parents were not mentioned in the article, or mentioned enough. They lament that the adoptive parents are being ignored or disrespected by no mention of them.

To emphasize my point again, reunion is not the time to feature and focus on adoptive parents. During the time that adoptive parents raise their children, think of all the proud moments that you hopefully have had. People congratulated you for such a smart, talented and/or pretty child. You have had years focused on your exclusive relationship with your child. At reunion, it is time to share your child (adult or not.)

The star of the reunion show is the adoptee. Let it be about them and give them room to control the situation. Reunion is about the adoptee and their birth parents. Allow them their time together. Your child may seem focused heavily on their birth family in early reunion, but allow them that time. Rarely will you lose your child, but you may have to learn how to share a bit.