One factor in making the decision to search is the perception of how the adoptive parents might react. Many are afraid that the adoptive parents may feel that searching would hurt the adoptive parents. Even if the adoptive parents are willing to talk about it and answer the adoptees questions the best they could it may still be difficult to share with your adoptive parents that you are going to search. The fear of the reaction that they are your family and why would need to go any where else can be frightening.

It is important to explain and emphasize that the adoptee does not want to replace the family and that they are loved. You may experience feelings of quilt and worry about hurting them. When I started my search I didn’t have the words to express the feelings I had and nor did I truly understand my own need to search. It wasn’t until years after completing my search that I grew and healed myself that I was able to express this to my family.

Some adoptees will wait to search until their adoptive parents have died. Some feel that waiting to find their birth parents is better than risk hurting their adoptive parents. The adoptee, I think, that they don’t’ want to appear ungrateful. In the past society at large has had the gratitude theme and has come back to us adoptees. Some of you may have even experienced this if someone has said to you “who held you when you were sick, changed your diapers, kissed your boo boos, fed you, clothed you…?? All adoptees have a huge amount of gratitude toward our adoptive parents but as an adoptee the expectation of gratitude is often determined by the decision to search or not to search. It is not a choosing or a taking of sides or a question of loyalty.
Some adoptive parents may feel resentment, anger, or a sense of betrayal. The thing is that bitter reactions usually don’t stop adoptees from searching. They continue their search without the knowledge of the individuals to whom the adoptee feels closest, his or her mother and father.

As society has change the instances of bitter feelings or negative responses to search have been in the minority. Today, often times the adoptive parents react in positive ways. Often times the adoptive parents will participate in the search. It is these adoptive parents that understand that searching is a part of you, the adoptee. By the adoptive parents embracing the birth family the adoptee isn’t the only one who can gain, grow, and heal from the experience. Everyone can have new family in their lives.

My experience in the adoption community has taught me that the most adoptive parents react differently than the adoptee expects. In today’s world many more are open to the idea of searching, and have been waiting for the adoption to mention it. Some are still hostile to the idea but it is usually out of fear or insecurity and a lack of information about what it means to an adoptee search.

There are still adoptive parents who still believe that adoptees will not need to search if they are brought up in a loving home. Faced with their child searching may bring up feelings of inadequacy on their part as if they weren’t good enough or they may feel rejected.

In either case, I would suggest that the adoptee provide the adoptive parents with reading material that explains the search or write a letter detailing their own feelings. This of course should not be used to replace a heart to heart talk but rather a supplement or even a lead in depending on which makes you, the adoptee more comfortable. This is a sensitive issue and it is important to be considerate of the other person and try to understand their point of view. On the other hand, there is only so much that you can do to help your adoptive parents feel comfortable with their decision. You are not responsible for the ultimate decision to accept or reject your decision to search but there are things you can do to make it easier for them to understand.