Adoptive families can often feel left out of the search and reunion process. This can stir up a number of feelings, including a fear of losing the child they raised and loved. For many adoptees, these are important relationships that they do not want to jeopardize. Reassuring their adoptive families, including them and being open and honest can often help them feel comfortable with the reunion.

Adoptive families may not be supportive in the adoptees search because they may feel they have not been a good enough family. They may fear rejection by the adoptee when the adoptee locates the birth family, or fear that the adoptee may be rejected by the birth family, or that the birth parent is deceased etc. The adoptive family doesn’t want to see the adoptee get hurt. What adoptive families need to remember is that they will always be the adoptive family. That will never change. History can’t be reversed, but the birth family can be extensions of the extended family if all parties are willing to work together. Another thing adoptive parents need to remember is that home is in your heart and it travels with you wherever you go. Happiness must come from within. For me, my mom may not remember all that she did to impact my life, but I have not forgotten and never will.

The adoptee isn’t searching to hurt the adoptive family or replace them. Reunion can’t replace years of bonding and love already shared in a family but it can strengthen these relationships. Also, finding answers can add a significant amount of happiness and peace to the triad members’ lives.

Triad members can think about or consider search at any time. The best time to search varies greatly from person to person. How to decide when to search would ideally involve balancing the needs of the adoptee, the adoptive parents and the birth parents. Unfortunately, before these people have all met one another, it is impossible to determine everyone’s needs.

In many cases, the whole process and experience of reunion takes up a lot of an individual’s emotional energy. Timing is very important. You need to know that you have the support, stability and energy to deal with whatever may come up. You also need to feel that you are ready for this endeavor.

The key times in a person’s life when knowing birth history seems important is during adolescence, child-bearing years, times of loss, episodes of illness, and at times the adopted person may be surrounded by others with curiosity.

For birth parents, key times include the child’s birthday, especially those ages they themselves remember as significant; their own marriages, and births of subsequent children.

Also, for those who have a serious medical issue or if genetic background information is needed, the ideal timing for emotional well-being becomes a secondary issue. The potential need for information usually supersedes all other needs. During situations such as this, emotions are stirred up and often need to be put on hold until the medical emergency is resolved. At that time, it is important to address the feelings, and to discuss whether continued contact is mutually desired.

There are some hurts a mother or father can’t heal. A year and a half before my high school graduation, my adoptive grandma passed away after being sick for two months. At the funeral home, during the first viewing, at the age of 17 is where I learned consciously for the first time I was adopted. My feelings ranged from fear, abandonment, distrust, overwhelm, and grief. In hindsight, I was angry that my grandma would be missing some of the most important events of my life, but the woman who gave birth to me missed the first 17 years of important events in my life. As time went on, I grew angrier that neither one of them would be there for the future.