Carrie Craft of About.com posted a blog on October 10, 2006 in regards to Adoption Sensitive Language. You can read her blog on this subject at http://adoption.about.com/b/a/256943.htm.

As we have seen here as well as on the Daily Basterdette, online mailing lists and other places through out the adoption community, adoption language is a highly controversial subject.

The past couple of weeks, I have received emails privately, and comments on the blog here regarding the terms “birth mother”, “natural mother”, “biological mother”, and “first mother”. Some made some excellent points as to why they prefer to be called by their preference of any one of the above terms.

I have been trying to be respectful and use terms that I know through my personal communications with other triad members and what makes the majority feel comfortable. The bottom line is that as individuals we all differ in our ideas, feelings, and emotions. There is no way I or anyone for that matter can please everyone with a simple term. Adoption is a sensitive subject.

Carrie Craft has created a poll in regards to sensitive adoption language. The results can be found at http://adoption.about.com

The poll not only surveyed the term regarding natural mothers but also terms in regards to relinquishment. When I wrote this blog, 1151 individuals have participated in the poll. The results are as follows:

Natural Parent (250) 21%
First Parent (158) 13%
Birth Parent/Birthparent (136) 11%
Bio Parent/Biological Parent (113) 9%
Real Parent (86) 7%
Entrust Your Child (42) 3%
Place Your Child (119) 10%
Give Up/Give Away (30) 2%
Surrender (217) 18%

The numbers in parenthesis is the number of votes for the category. The percent is a percentage of the total who participated in the survey that prefer the term they chose.

I do believe that in regards to the term used regarding relinquishment of parental rights should be based on the adoption situation. My thought process may make things more confusing but what I am thinking is that there are so many different ways to adopt. For example, natural mothers who make the choice to place their child or baby. It may not be as elaborate as an adoption plan but that term could apply to a domestic adoption where a plan really is designed and followed through. Another example would be a pregnant mom who connects with the adoptive family before the birth. There are other situations where the child may be removed from the home against the natural parents wishes due to abuse so that is not a plan at all and more like a relinquishment.

As an adoptee, I am not crazy about any of the terms in the above paragraph. I was never given a choice about being adopted. One comment that I received privately was regarding how this person doesn’t like any of the terms that are used in regards to mothers. She feels she is her daughter’s mom who was not allowed to keep or raise her. She doesn’t feel she is a biological mom, or a birth mom, or a natural mom, or a first mom. She is just a mom.

This is where controversy can come in after the search is complete. Adoptees who search aren’t searching to replace the parents who raised them. They aren’t seeking another mom. A search for natural parents has nothing to do with anyone except for the adoptee and a search for self. In my experience, it has been the natural mothers who are reunited that can work through their grief, hurt, anger, and pain, and come to a place where they realize that reuniting with the child that was relinquished to adoption isn’t about mothering their child but befriending them that are the most successful.

I am not suggesting that the mother/child bond does not exist. I am just saying that natural mothers going into reunion with the understanding that the adoptee is not looking for a replacement but rather searching for the truth, who they are and their past. If a relationship develops, it is a bonus for everyone.