A good fried of mine has 2 adopted children and in conversation with her and her husband, they said a few things that surprised me as adoptive parents. The husband said that the best thing that he do is love his child’s mother, meaning his wife. In our conversation, we took it a step further and they both agreed that the best thing they can do for their children is to love their children’s birth mothers and let their children know that they do.

This couple adopted internationally both times and they will never know the birth mother. It is quite different than the families in open adoption. With international adoption the children’s birth mothers and the specific circumstances behind the adoption are often times not known. I think that if adoptive families can find a way to welcome these birth mothers into the families hearts will help with the child’s sense of self.

Some ways to do this are to mention the birth mother when telling her adoption story, and describing the reasons that might lead a birth mother to place a child for adoption. My parents say they told me I was adopted when I was about 5. I believe them but I don’t remember this. My silence led my parents to believe that the story of adoption didn’t need repeating.

Once I did learn of being adopted on a conscious level, I wanted to know why my birth mother gave me up, whether she was still alive, and whether she had loved me, whether she had other children and so on. It wasn’t until that point that my parents shared with me the little information they knew about my birth mother. That is when she became a real person to me. It may sound corny but I love her and I always did and I always will. By the time I searched and found a grave, I felt very connected to my birth mother and I think that my parents now carry her in their hearts too.

Earlier this year, I was in Las Vegas, and my cousin purchased tickets to Mamma Mia. I didn’t know the story in advance. I couldn’t help but cry and the reason was that I was thinking of my birth father. Later that evening my cousins and I talked about my birth father and what I have gone through to try and find him. I was surprised of their openness in regards to the subject and welcomed their support.

So for adoptive parents, I recommend not waiting for children to bring up the subject of their adoption. They may not for out of fear of hurting you or the loyalty they feel towards you. The adoptee may feel conflicted about his or her birth parents because they “gave them away”. Kids are ready to talk at different ages so there is no right age to start these conversations but the important thing is to keep having them through out their childhood and growing up years. As the child grows the discussions will change.

Another way to discuss is to share with your child stories that may reflect his or her birth parents situation. That is if you know the story about the birth parents. For older children a way to start discussion may be watching movies with an adoption theme.

One way to acknowledge birth mothers with your children would be Birth Mothers Day and other special occasions. These times are a great time to recognize or acknowledge the importance of these people in the adoptees lives.