When an adoptee is searching and has completed his or her search, the question now is how to make that first contact. Should you write, or make a phone call? When you,, the adoptee, gets a name, address, and phone number emotions go into overdrive and you are flying high.

The first thing to do is stop and think! Consider asking your self how you would react to a phone call or if you were a birth mother who told no one that you had relinquished a child to adoption would I want someone calling asking my relatives asking them questions. If you got a phone call and some one was in the room what would you do? If you choose to send a letter is there anyone else in the household who could or would ask who the letter is from?

You don’t want to do anything to hurt the person you are making contact with and it is very important to keep this in mind. It may affect the outcome of your reunion.

I think it is safe to say that most if not all of the adoptees and natural mothers searching does it out of love. There is no rule book on how not to bring hurt on for a natural mother. The only thing you can do is try to do your best and learn from those who traveled the road before you.

One consideration when making contact is to have someone make the first call or write the first letter. If you have searched through a confidential intermediary or a state appointed intermediary, agency, or court, this is standard procedure in most states.

The person making that first call or writing that first letter can make a difference in the outcome of your reunion. It is okay to ask the person making first contact what they will cay in their phone call or letter. It is okay to ask the person to make sure that your natural mother understands that you aren’t angry with her and that you only want to at least be able to obtain medical information. Let this person know that you would like to have personal contact with your natural mother and you understand if it takes her some time to come around. Most importantly though, you need to have faith in the person making the first contact and if you don’t it is okay to ask or request a change. Keep in mind though that some states or agency’s may not permit this.

If you have done your search on your own you can still consider someone else making first contact. This may ease the tension and help the person being contact for reunion take the time to adjust and accept that they have been found.