Adoption Search, Birth Family Search, Reunion

04/14/06

Adoptee Search Expectations

Posted by : Karen Sterner in Adoption Search Blog at 02:46 pm , 317 words, 150 views
Categories: Adoptees Searching, Expectations and Goals, Expectations and Goals

Expectations, we all have them. In fact I think expectations are so natural that it is almost like breathing. However, what does it mean when someone who is searching says that they don't have any expectations? Is it that they don't have any positive expectations? Or are they trying to block out everything in thier mind? If we say that we don't have any expectations are we really saying that we expect nothing?

Expectations fill our days sometimes consciously and sometimes not. Many of our expectations are like driving to work after you have done it for years. You don't have to think about it but you expect to arrive at work in a given period of time. Other expectations take on what would be considered a great deal of risk. Adoptees considering a search for their birth parents seem to fall into that category. This may be when some adoptees say that they don't expect anything because if they are rejected or if a birth parent is deceased, dreams that might have been fulfilled never happen. But does this mean that there are no expectations to begin with? Isn't the adoptee hoping to at least gain some knowledge about their birth family, even if it is only medical knowledge?

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Adoptees who search are looking for answers. They do have expectations. It is not to replace their adoptive parents with their birth parents although they may consider having a friendship with them. Perhaps more importantly, adoptees are hoping and expecting to find out something about who they are. Their own identity may be a crucial reason for their search and their expectations may be too personal to share and too costly to ignore. If you are not adopted to walk in an adoptees shoes is difficult to fully comprehend. All you can do is to try to understand in some small way and to lend our support.

3 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: cinimic [Member]

Expectations...of course we all have them. As we age, those expectations change...in every aspect of life. As an adoptee, the years have changed my expectations. I knew I was adopted since I can remember. My adoptive parents never kept it from me. I give thanks for that every day because I know a lot of adoptees don't find out until later in life. I am grateful for my parents...yes, my parents...the people who took me in and raised me and stood beside me, uncondionally. God Bless Them!!!
At an early age, I wondered, who was it that gave me up and why? Was there something wrong with me. I wanted to search early on, and my parents supported me, but a hurtle came with their lawyer. I always questioned why...did they keep him from telling me the truth?
Every so many years, I questioned again. Until I heard my father say, "You may not like what you find." What a wake up call. There is always tension growing up, so we would like to think we might have had it better if we would have been raised by our bio-parents...
Today, I am ready to turn 38. I have two children. I see me in them, and I understand me!!!!!!!!!!! That is worth a million wonders of who I am. I have to admit that mother-hood has lessoned my need to know. I few years ago, I started a search for my bio-parents...I didn't know what to expect. I thought I might have some questions answered...why?...was I wrong?...the wrong time?...one night stand? Who knows. Today, I still wonder...who wouldn't, but I am very happy with my family. I love my husband and children (all four...two step-sons, a son and a daughter) Now, I have no expectations. Yes, curious, but know through life that we may never find the answere...even if it seems so simple to us.
I would never try to replace my parents because they have poured their whole heart and soul in to me!
Now, I am scared to find out, but the search is already started. I will accept whatever is infront of me.
I would love to have more information for my children...and myself. The curiosity never dies!

Permalink 04/15/06 @ 00:19

Comment from: Karen Sterner [Member]

· http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/

I completely get and understand what you are saying. It is very scary to search for the unknown. If I knew 13 years ago what I know know and knowing that my search would end at a grave and that I would go through all that I went through I would do it all over again. I don't regret it one bit and I contribute alot of who I am today to the search and reunion journey that I embarked on as a young adult.

I wish you the best and if you have a specific topic that you would like to see please let me know.

Thanks
Karen

Permalink 04/17/06 @ 15:17

Comment from: Christi Bender [Member]

I think that questioning the expectations we all hold as we embark on a search is a critical part of the journey.

That doesn't mean that what we first are able to articulate IS what we are really expecting - more often it is what we are ready to face at that time.

Search for a birthparent is a search for self in so many ways.... and along the path you come face to face with MANY elements of yourself - your deepest fears, insecurities, feelings of loyalty and gratitude, self doubt, self confidence, inner strength, intuition, and your right to own your story - all of it.

I think all searches are valuable - whether they are successful or not. Whether a reunion unfolds or a door slams. Through the process we discover who we are in magical ways.

Permalink 04/18/06 @ 13:46

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