One adoption issue that I don’t think I have talked about is control. This might be when an adoptee feels as though her or she has had no control over the events in his or her life. Decisions surrounding relinquishment, choice of adoptive family, and information to be shared with the adoptee were all made by other people. The adoptee may feel helpless and frustrated that life seems to be a series of uncontrollable events. As a result the adoptee’s need to be in control of something often becomes an issue. Some typical behaviors are need for control, chemical dependency, defiance toward authority figures, and/or compulsive needs to be organized and plan ahead.

Some adoptees are faced with a loyalty dilemma. There are two sets of parents, known or unknown, present or fantasized. Which ones should the adoptee love? Belong to? Act like? The adoptee may attempt to forget about the natural parents feels disloyal and wonders if the natural parents would feel hurt. The adoptee may feel connected to his or her natural parents feels disloyal to the adoptive parents, not wanting to cause hurt for them. The adoptee may feel trapped without permission from either set of parents to love or think of the others as parents. The adoptee may distance him or her self from family members, obsessive fantasizing about natural parents, refuse to attach to adoptive family, or guild over being happy in adoptive family are some typical behaviors of the loyalty dilemma.

Some adoptees may feel different. They may feel different from others in their family as well as from other non adopted people. They may be aware and often uncomfortable that they look different than their family members. They may feel disconnected from their adoptive family and the world around them. They may feel as if they hold a different status in the family than those who are blood related. Adoptees may feel like aliens or imposters amount their peers as well.