Birth Mothers

For a birth mother in reunion, all sorts of remarks will be offered once you volunteer the news that you have been found or found your child. One of the main reasons I never told anyone that I was a birth mother until reunion was my fear that people would reject me once they heard my "secret." All in all, I was fortunate to receive lots of support and few insensitive comments. Here are some of the ways and comments nearly guaranteed to stir up reunited birth moms and set their blood boiling: 1. One of the all time favorite comments made to reunited birth mothers upon news that they are reunited: "Oh great, so everything is okay now!"… [more]

If you read a post of mine on any given day, you might believe that I am stuck, and angry. Read another day, and you will find that is not the case. Although I have angry moments, I use those to fuel my fires and give me the incentive to keep working to change some bad adoption practices, and faulty counseling for pregnant women. Although adoption continues to tinge my life with sadness, I embrace life and lead a full and rich life. In my day to day life, I have made some peace with my adoption loss, and it no longer prevents me from a measure of happiness. Everyone has some baggage, adoption or not. For some of us, it prevents… [more]

Part 1 ended up focusing more on what birth parents at reunion are not entitled to receive, rather than what they are. However, I think it is important to know both. As for a relationship after being found, that is something that you cannot legislate. Although I encourage at least one meeting between the parties, you cannot force a relationship. If an adoptee or birth parent who is found refuses to form a relationship, you cannot force them to connect with each other. It is helpful to realize that a relationship is a privilege, and not a foregone conclusion to which you are entitled. There are a few rights that birth parents are entitled to receive at reunion: 1… [more]

There is a great deal of talk about how birth parents deserve their privacy and are entitled to refuse contact if they wish to do so. However, I find it interesting who normally makes those kinds of remarks. Birth parents rarely do. Generally, adoption social workers tend or those adoptive parents opposed to open records often voice their opinions on what birth parents want. Once in a while, a birth parent will agree that they are entitled to their privacy. However, most birth parents that I know believe saying that they need their privacy is a bunch of baloney. “Privacy” from your own child? Who needs that? Why are adoptees considered any threat to their birth parents?… [more]

If you heard anything about adoption in 1969, it was strictly positive. There was no Internet, no birth mother support groups and counseling was virtually non-existent. No one really talked about it much at all. No one told me that I would forget, but it was implied that it was something you get over in time. It was only supposed to hurt for awhile. Otherwise, you'd think that they would tell you, right? If you go to the doctor for surgery, he spells out all the risks, right? Come to think of it, no one told me anything about what to expect. Fast forward to 2006. Adoption is finally being discussed. If you search the forums, you can read about the pros and… [more]

Adoption is different now than it was in the time period that you often hear me writing about - the baby scoop era. Many believe that coercive tactics no longer exist. However, just because some of the tactics have changed and may be more subtle does not mean that they do not exist. In addition, coercion is not the only issue that prevents a woman from making a valid choice. When I relinquished my son to adoption, I did not spend months in a maternity home being told how noble a choice adoption was for a woman to make. Nor was I told that I "got what I deserved" meaning that I deserved to not have a chance to raise my. No one lied… [more]

Although open adoption is supported by many there this is an understandably emotional issue. First off, when writing this I think in life in general for everyone whether adoption effects their lives or not there are a couple of things that we all need to keep in mind. The first is that the human spirit is incredibly resilient and the second is that every human being experiences some significant pain and/or dysfunction in his or her lifetime. As an example, life provides each of us some disappointment, not matter who we are. I know that not all adoptees have a desire to connect with their natural parents but for me the desire was built in or natural for me to… [more]

This comment that I referred to in Part 1 made me decide to look up the word “victim” in the dictionary. I prefer to think of myself as a survivor rather than a victim. “Victim” has connotations to me of cowering in a corner, meekly accepting your fate and not speaking up. Victim is what I had to be to allow my son's adoption; I went along with the plan. Even though, it felt horribly wrong; I let it happen. However, victim does NOT define me now. Nor does "victim" fit now for any of the feisty, courageous birth mothers that I know who dedicate their lives to improving adoption practices. The victim role also might include someone who whines about their life “being… [more]

“Woe is me” – hmmmm, I have to say the whole birth mother experience does scream “victim” in many ways. It is not nearly as simple as a woman walking into an agency and saying, "Here, take my baby, I do not want it." That is not what generally happens. Women resort to adoption from a place of desperation, not because it is what they want. It is a great deal more complicated than merely saying that they "want" and "choose" adoption. When a woman is tricked, pressured, shamed and lied to in order to get her baby,(as is sometimes the case) the word "victim" does not sound too preposterous to me though. Even if a mother willingly places a child for adoption without… [more]

As I mulled over how to respond to Sandra's challenging email, I decided that I obviously was a annoying thorn in her side. She had visions of less children being adopted because of my views and that made her angry. I am speculating here, but, I also think that she saw some truth and reason in some of my writings, and due to that she could not just dismiss me. Although she wanted to just ignore me, she saw a glimmer of some commonality between us. I suppose that might also be why I made a kind comment to her as well. The initial response that I got from her was not what I expected. I questioned that trying to make… [more]