Adoptive Parents Seven Core Issues in Adoption

September 27th, 2006
Categories: Adoptive Parents

The final blog in this series is about how the seven core issues in adoption affect the adoptive parents. The first is loss and adoptive parents equate infertility with the loss of self and immortality. The adoptive parents may have issues of entitlement which can lead to the fear of loss of the child and overprotection. The second is rejection. Some adoptive parents may fear being ostracized because of procreation difficulties. They may use their partner as a scapegoat and expect rejection. Some may expel adoptee to avoid anticipated rejection. The third is guilt and shame. The adoptive parents may feel shame of infertility and may believe childlessness is a curse or punishment. Some may feel that it is a… [more]

When Do Adoptive Parents Tell of Adoption Part 3

September 7th, 2006
Categories: Adoptive Parents

I have read conflicting articles and documents about what and when to tell their child about their adoption. Some advise to introduce the work “adoption” as early as possible and between the ages of 2 and 4 that he or she is adopted. Some say that if the adoption was before the age of 2 and are of the same race as the parents there is nothing to be gained by telling the child about their adoption until they are at least 4 or 5 years old because they will hear the words but not understand the concept. Dr. Steven Nickman, author of the article "Losses in Adoption: The Need for Dialogue," suggests that the ideal time for telling children… [more]

Crossing the Bridge

September 7th, 2006

Back in my corner, to discuss the verbal sparring matches between me and Sandra Hanks Benoiton (Older Adoptive Mom and International Adoptive Mom Blogger.) To catch up, read Sandra latest blog on the subject. I have to admit, I was somewhat surprised when Sandra had such a dramatic negative reaction to my comment which she described as "touching". After I received her email back after making my comment, I was kicking myself for making the comment and feeling that maybe I totally misjudged her. I was pretty puzzled, I must admit. I had made a positive comment to her, and here's her description of how she responded. So, Jan made a touching comment on my blog, and how did I respond? By… [more]

When Do Adoptive Parents Tell of Adoption – Part 2

September 7th, 2006
Categories: Adoptive Parents

If an older child is adopted these stages of development may have been interrupted. I think that it can be overcome by parents who let their child know that you care and that you will always be there. The importance of loving interaction can help that trust be built between the child and the parents and be very important. If adopting internationally, the attachment behavior in that culture may be different. Someone recently told me that the child they adopted who was of Asian decent was not comfortable being held when crying. She would quiet down if she was laid on the floor near her mother and spoken to softly. She was about 7 months old when placed in… [more]

When Do Adoptive Parents Tell of Adoption – Part 1

September 6th, 2006
Categories: Adoptive Parents

You may be reading this blog because you have adopted a child and life is settling down and you may be thing about the future. You may have questions like When do I tell my child that he or she is adopted? How will he or she feel about adoption? When do I give him or her more information? What will he or she want to know from me? How can I help my child feel comfortable about adoption? As hopeful perspective adoptive parents, I know that my husband and I have some of these very questions. I have given great thought to them and being adopted myself I thought I could give some insight to… [more]

Building A Bridge – Part 1

September 3rd, 2006

Not certain if anyone has noticed or not, but, blogger Sandra and are are making inroads to building a bridge of understanding of sorts between us. Early on in our blogging, Sandra made a comment or two on my blog that made it clear to me that we were at odds with each other. Conversely, the comments I considered leaving on her blog, but didn't, also reflected that we felt polar opposites in our views on adoption. Come to think of it, I think my restraint was not totally effective. I may have left at least a comment or two on her blog as well. We are both rather passionate and strong willed. I think Sandra would agree with that statement. For awhile… [more]

An Interesting Encounter – Part 3

August 7th, 2006

Part 1 and Part 2. Continuing with the friendly adoptive dad's story....Two of his children were under two years of age when they were adopted, he told me. His oldest son was adopted at age 12. He shared with me how much the son that they adopted at age 12 had matured and become a healthy, happy child. This dad touched me on so many levels as he shared his family story with me. He “gets” that it is good for his children to have contact with birth family, even if it must be limited due to the serious issues of their birth families. I learned something a great deal from this man. Over the… [more]

Adoptive Moms Make me Smile When They…Pt. 2

July 9th, 2006
Categories: Adoptive Parents

Ø Refrain from laying guilt trips on a child for wanting contact with their birth family; Ø Are gentle and loving to their children; Ø Defend birth parents when they hear slurs, mistruths and unfair judgments about them; Ø Believe in the concept that we are all responsible for what goes on in the life of a child; Ø Understand that if they are not part of the solution; they are part of the problem; Ø Do not expect an adopted child to be a blank slate to be molded into their image; Ø Adopt a child fully aware of the challenges and… [more]

Adoptive Moms Make me Smile When They……………………………………….

July 9th, 2006
Categories: Adoptive Parents

Ø Know that birth families matter in the lives of their children; Ø Understand that children of adoption have some unique issues to deal with and educate themselves to learn how best to be able to help their children; Ø Adopt children with special needs and/or older children who may be considered by others as less adoptable; Ø Speak of their children’s birth parents as respectfully as possible, no matter what they may be like, whether they are deserving or not; Ø Are honest and truthful, even when the truth may be harsh or unpleasant; Ø Understand that adopted children who search have that right; Ø… [more]

Twenty Things I Wish Adoptive Parents Knew

June 26th, 2006
Categories: Adoptive Parents

The list below is posted on a website as a collection created by adoptees of a local search and support group here in PA. The website is www.adoptionforum.org. Although there is no reference to the book Titled Twenty Things Adoptive Kids Wish Thier Adoptive Parents knew by Sherri SHerrie Eldridge, I believe the following is an excerpt from her book. 1. I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible. 2. I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed. 3. If I don't grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and others will be hindered. 4. My unresolved grief may surface in anger toward you. 5. I need your help… [more]