How to Give Unconditional Love

May 6th, 2007

Whether your adult child at reunion articulates the need or not, they probably can benefit from unconditional love from you. However, I will begin with a warning to proceed slowly and cautiously. Providing unconditional love to your child may be scary for them and overwhelm them. In How to Support Your Child at Reunion I mentioned that unconditional love is one essential way to support your child at reunion. Here are some of the ways for birth parents to provide unconditional love: 1. Accept your child without reservation for the person they have become. A complicated set of factors made them who they are today. Since you had little input into their upbringing, they might not… [more]

How to Support Your Child at Reunion (For Birthparents)

May 4th, 2007
Categories: Adoptees, How to...

When there is a reunion between a birth parent and their child (adult or not), a child might need certain things from their parent. They may be able to articulate what they want or need. It is possible that they have some clear and concise gaps that they hope that their parents can fill in for them. These gaps might be as simple as answering questions, or they could be more complex. There might be some specific emotional voids that they expect their birth parents to fill. The possibilities are numerous. However, it is more likely that they are uncertain themselves what they might need from their birth parents. After getting to know their parent a bit, they might… [more]

Helping Our Children Heal At Reunion – Part 2

August 25th, 2006

Many adoptees go into reunion not expecting the experience to be as earth-shattering as it sometimes turns out to be for them. As birth parents, there are a number of ways that we can help make the process less chaotic and less stressful for our children. Here are a few: 1) Follow the pace that is most comfortable for your adult children. Often it is said that whoever instigates a search needs to allow the "found" person to set the pace. Sometimes this does make sense as the found person has generally not had time to prepare for or process the whole reunion experience. Certainly, trying to rush or force the found person is not wise. However, I believe… [more]

Helping Our Children Heal at Reunion – Part 1

August 25th, 2006

Most people probably understand that at reunion, healing often begins for birth parents. Healing and resolution also occurs for adoptees at reunion as well. I have spoken to many adoptees in the process of reunion, and heard the laments of those in difficult and unsatisfying reunions. What separates adoptees who find reunion a positive experience from those who find it a mostly frustrating experience? Several factors are involved in the level of healing that adoptees can accomplish at reunion. Of course, they have to heal themselves; no one can heal for someone else. However, I believe as parents, we should lovingly try to help our children if we can. Perhaps some adoptees may expect too much at reunion. Anyone who expects reunion to… [more]

Supporting a Birth Mom at Reunion – Part 2 of 3

June 23rd, 2006

6. Understand that reunion is between a birth mother and her child. It is inappropriate to attempt to make her feel guilty as though by reconnecting with her child, she is somehow usurping the adoptive parents’ role or being unfair or cruel to them. Reunion is not all about the adoptive parents, and they should not be the main focus. It is most likely that she knows that reunion may pose some uncomfortable times for the adoptive parents. She is probably quite sensitive to their feelings. The last thing she needs is for her friends and family to lay a guilt trip on her and insinuate that she is wrong to reconnect with her child because it… [more]

Supporting a Birth Mom at Reunion – Part 1 of 3

June 23rd, 2006

No one has perfect words to offer to a birth mom at reunion. There are none. I blogged awhile back about . "What Not to Say to a Reunited Birth Mom." Here are a few suggestions that might be better received and more helpful to a birth mom in reunion. 1. “That must have been very difficult for you.” When I told a few people after reunion that I had surrendered a son to adoption, some people very simply let me know that they imagined that it must have been a hard thing to do. They left it at that and didn’t blather on saying a lot of really insensitive, uninformed comments. All they did was indicate to me… [more]