How to Reconnect at Reunion

May 29th, 2007

In some reunions, there is an instant and immediate connection. The other party may seem somewhat familiar. There may seem to be many common interests between the two parties, and often many similarities in personalities. The more like minded the two parties are, the greater the probability that they may feel an instant connection. Sometimes the two parties seem nothing alike. The person that they meet at reunion seems like a stranger, an alien. Nearly every belief that they have may be in opposition to the other party's beliefs. In either case, connecting on a deep level and building a lasting and fulfilling relationship takes some work. Here are a few suggestions to help connect with your birth parent or adult child: 1. Try to… [more]

Holiday Calls During Reunion

April 8th, 2007

At the beginning of reunion, I wondered how much my son would want to be in touch on holidays. I tried to keep my expectations low. However, once your child comes back into your life at reunion,you may be tempted to expect them to fit neatly into your life just like your other children. However, if you are being realistic, you know that the child that you did not raise will never quite feel like your child as your other children do. You may feel like his or her mother, but your relinquished child will rarely feel like you are their parent. That is natural and inevitable. Sometimes adoptees embrace their birth mothers and consider her another mother. It seems the exception and… [more]

Reunion Relationships Take Time

March 26th, 2007

Birth parents sometimes complain when the kind of relationship they want doesn’t happen quickly. They may wish for more appreciation of gifts. More contact might be an issue as well. Many issues crop up and have the potential to cause problems. There are disappointments when reunion relationships do not meet expectations. Sometimes I believe adoptees test birth parents to see how long they will hang in there and keep working on the relationship. They might push buttons thinking that birth parents won’t stick around anyway. Whether intentional or not, some adoptees appear to be testing to see how much birth parents will take before they give up on the relationship. Adoptees have told me that they believe that some birth parents follow a similar path… [more]

Reunion Contact by Telephone

March 20th, 2007

When your relinquished children at reunion ends up living thousands of miles away from you, most of your contact may end up being via the telephone. Depending on your personality, this might work well for you or be less than satisfying. Although many of us keep in touch via email, I love hearing both of my son's voices on the phone. One universal truth I have discovered is that nearly all birth mothers want more contact than their children. There are rare exceptions. Sometimes adoptees want more contact, but that seems to be less common. When many miles separate you, it is expensive and difficult for much eye to eye contact. Since my son Chris is in Seattle, and I live in Southern California, we… [more]

What Does a Good Reunion Look Like – Part 2

February 20th, 2007

Often in a reunion relationship, one party wants or needs more than the other one. The needier party probably wants more contact, more attention or more closeness. Some people are able to reevaluate their needs and be satisified with less. In reunion relationships, I think it is always wise to remember than any relationship at all provided more than you may have expected. For others, that is more difficult. What else constitutes a good reunion? Some parties attend conferences and present talks together, but I believe that those relationships are the exception and not the rule. Reunitees who share their relationships with others at a conference are most likely doing do because they have achieved some success and want to share what they have… [more]

What Does a Good Reunion Look Like? – Part 1

February 20th, 2007

Due to my involvement with the adoption reform community, I know many people who are reunited. Some of the people I know who are in reunion were the searchers, others like me were found. So far, I cannot see any correlation between those who searched and those who were found as far as how satisfying they find may reunion. Nearly all the birth parents that I know seemed to embrace the idea of reunion although to varying degrees. Most of the adoptees I know tend to be searchers, so of course they are interested in reunion. I do hear about adoptees who do not want to be found. A happy reunion - some believe that they do not exist. I know that they do… [more]

Making Up for Lost Time?

February 15th, 2007

Some people seem to think that reunion fixes everything and resolves adoption loss issues. By now people are probably extremely tired of hearing me say so, but for me reunion has given me some resolution nothing else could have. I love getting to know my son. However, making up for lost time is impossible and reunion does not wipe out the past. A photo of Jenna and her beautiful Munchkin making cookies some time back was one of those bittersweet moments I often have when I see such photos. I am so pleased that Jenna and her daughter have moments like that together. At the same time, I am wistful when I see their photos together. I can handle seeing… [more]

Reunion and Therapy – Part 2

February 7th, 2007

More lessons learned from my therapist: 2) Be patient and understand that building a relationship takes time. Like building a house, you first build a foundation, and then continue to build brick by brick. 3) That my son probably cared about me and wanted me to be happy. I honestly needed some prodding to figure that out. 4) That one of the most important tasks for me was to stay consistent with my communications with my son. No matter what he did, I contacted him with the same frequency, and worked hard to be consistent. At times, I got scared and hurt and wanted to pull back a bit, but I did not tell him. She told me if I needed to pull back, do… [more]

Halloween Memories – Part 1

October 31st, 2006

As I read other bloggers’ thoughts on Halloween this morning, I began to reflect on past Halloweens and recalled which stood out in my mind the most. Since my children are grown now, my most recent memories are of three much loved grandchildren. On a recent weekend, my granddaughter proudly showed me her costume for this year. She had a prepackaged combo this year, and as she pulled out the pieces from the bag, she explained each item in great detail. At eight years old, she is very articulate! Eventually, she decided that she needed to try on her costume to show me how it looked. This year she is a girl pirate with a bandanna, a shirt with cross-bones on it… [more]

What a Difference a Day Makes – Part 3

September 15th, 2006

These past few years I have become so much stronger. I know that I can and will handle whatever does happen in both my reunion and in the rest of my life. However, I also know that I love my son so much that it nearly takes my breath away at times when I ponder losing him again. Not a wise move to let my thoughts dwell long on losing him. I have become accustomed to our warm friendship. I look forward to our chats, visits and our connection. It will break my heart – again - if he decides not to continue our relationship. As much as I tell myself how strong I have become; I had a tiny taste… [more]