Not Finding What You Thought

October 4th, 2006

When a search is completed in some instances there is a person who is caught by surprise. Several triad members have said to me when they first contact me said that they have no expectations and these same people have later said to me that they didn’t know what they expected to find but it wasn’t what I did find. For all triad members in the closed adoption era there has been years of wondering about the other person, their situation and their life. The hole or void is filled with an image full of hope, fear, and what feels most familiar. When you first learn that first piece of information it never completely matches our expectations. The facts may… [more]

Letting Go of the Fantasy at Reunion – Part 1

June 13th, 2006

Recently, I learned about an interesting phenomenon that some adoptees experience at reunion. While I had vaguely heard mention of this occurrence, I did not realize how significant an issue it can be for some adopteees. It involves mourning the loss of the fantasy birth mother that they may have imagined most of their lives. At reunion, when they meet their birth mothers, rarely is the women that they encounter exactly what they expected. Apparently, this discovery causes some adoptees to mourn their loss. The loss is not one based on losing a person, but instead a fantasy. It is akin to letting go of a dream. It is unlikely that a birth mother comes from royalty or a prominent political family… [more]

Uncovering Negatives During a Search Part 2

May 22nd, 2006

During your search you may learn that a brother or sister had died before or during your search. You may learn that a sibling is mentally retarded, that one of your natural parents has be admitted to a mental institution or a criminal record. You may learn that your natural father was killed in action. All of these examples can leave you feeling devastated. Some searching may have few negatives but rather disappointments to deal with concerning who you may find. You may learn that your natural parents come from two very different backgrounds which can make it difficult to accept them and to feel a part of their families. You may have felt during your search that you didn’t have preconceived… [more]

My First Request for a Specific Topic!

March 7th, 2006

Hooray! I received my first request to discuss a specific topic on my blog! Okay, yes, I know that I am easily excited. However, I am pleased someone wants some comments about a specific issue. As people read our blogs, I hope that they do ask questions, make comments and share stories to help us all learn. Here is the request that I received: “As I've been searching, I often see the same issues those searching/those found. One of the major issues I have found, that no one really thinks about before searching, is bchildren finding bparents who 1. are in a much lower socioeconomic group than the child was raised in and 2. the vast difference in lifestyles. Both of these… [more]