Dealing With Outcomes

Mother’s Day was always a time of year I would wonder about my biological mother. When I was younger I knew I was adopted but didn’t know details, like my parents’ names or birthdays, so Hallmark Holidays such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day usually were what would trigger reflection for me. Growing up, when I would think about my mother (biological) I would wonder many things. What did she look like? What did her voice sound like? Did she think about me too? Did she remember my birthday? Did she still love me? Did she regret the choice she made? There was a point in my life that I even went as far as writing a fictional story about… [more]

Adoption can be difficult for both adoptive and biological parents. The same is true for adult adoptees, especially those who have reached out and haven't had successful reunion experiences. If you're an adult adoptee and you feel hurt, betrayed, or depressed, there are ways to move forward and find happiness and contentment in your life, despite the choices of others. You may be angry because your biological parents placed you with an adoptive family, or because you wanted your biological parents to parent you instead of letting another family do it. You may feel lost or alone because your past is a mystery and you don't know your or your family's history. No matter your personal adoption experience, you can emotionally heal and… [more]

Has searching in the newspaper archives brought you to an obituary? Has the funeral home in the obituary provided you with additional information that helps to confirm for you that you have found your natural mother? Have you contacted a natural family member and confirmed that your natural mother is deceased? Finding a grave…this can be one of the most difficult things that you have to deal with in our life. You will learn, grow, and heal from the experience. It seems like I have been reading a lot of stories lately that searches have ended with a grave. I found a grave almost fourteen years ago. Speaking for myself I found peace in my natural mother’s… [more]

If you are an adoptee and have decided that you don’t want contact with your natural family I want to give you a few things to ponder. Under what circumstances would you want to be contacted? Would you want your natural family to contact you if there is important medical information you should know about? Would you want to be contacted if you have been named as a beneficiary in a natural relative will? Would you want to be contacted if there is a particular person you would like to hear from or have news from? If you chose to not be contacted but would like to be contacted under certain circumstances then you need to make your wishes be known… [more]

When a search is completed in some instances there is a person who is caught by surprise. Several triad members have said to me when they first contact me said that they have no expectations and these same people have later said to me that they didn’t know what they expected to find but it wasn’t what I did find. For all triad members in the closed adoption era there has been years of wondering about the other person, their situation and their life. The hole or void is filled with an image full of hope, fear, and what feels most familiar. When you first learn that first piece of information it never completely matches our expectations. The facts may… [more]

For some, when there adoption search is completed, they find rejection. Rejection can feel like a knife in the heart. It can feel like the end of a dream or that the rug has been pulled out from under you or that it was all for nothing. It is important to remember that much good has come from the experience and that you have found the truth. When someone is faced with rejection, I think it is human nature to react. The person being rejected may give away their own power, or buy into the perceptions of other people and their ability to clearly see the situation for what it really is becomes clouded. Moving forward is important to know what… [more]

Recently, I learned about an interesting phenomenon that some adoptees experience at reunion. While I had vaguely heard mention of this occurrence, I did not realize how significant an issue it can be for some adopteees. It involves mourning the loss of the fantasy birth mother that they may have imagined most of their lives. At reunion, when they meet their birth mothers, rarely is the women that they encounter exactly what they expected. Apparently, this discovery causes some adoptees to mourn their loss. The loss is not one based on losing a person, but instead a fantasy. It is akin to letting go of a dream. It is unlikely that a birth mother comes from royalty or a prominent political family… [more]

During your search you may learn that a brother or sister had died before or during your search. You may learn that a sibling is mentally retarded, that one of your natural parents has be admitted to a mental institution or a criminal record. You may learn that your natural father was killed in action. All of these examples can leave you feeling devastated. Some searching may have few negatives but rather disappointments to deal with concerning who you may find. You may learn that your natural parents come from two very different backgrounds which can make it difficult to accept them and to feel a part of their families. You may have felt during your search that you didn’t have preconceived… [more]

Continuing on from Part 1 which listed what some birth moms at reunion may fear:  Contact with her child might seem a betrayal to the adoptive parents;  Being in touch with her child is unfair to the parents that raised her child;  What the neighbors may think if they find out. Yes, even now, some birth mothers worry about how others will judge her. By the way, I am not saying that I agree with or believe that these are logical reasons, I definitely do not. There are other possibilities as to why a birth mother refuses contact, however, I can only guess. I have never met a birth mom who refused contact, or even spoken to one who did. While I know that… [more]

What do you say to an adoptee whose birth mother has refused any contact after having been found? I do not believe that you should dismiss the hurt that this may cause them. Nor should you tell them it is not important; they are entitled to feel as they do. For many adoptees, connecting with their birth mother means a lot to them. Therefore, it is hurtful when contact is refused. Do not try to talk them out of their feelings, but help them understand. How do you explain what factors motivate a birth mom to refuse contact? There are no easy answers. Unless you personally know the birth mom in question, you can really only speculate as to her decision to… [more]