Attitudes

Mother’s Day was always a time of year I would wonder about my biological mother. When I was younger I knew I was adopted but didn’t know details, like my parents’ names or birthdays, so Hallmark Holidays such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day usually were what would trigger reflection for me. Growing up, when I would think about my mother (biological) I would wonder many things. What did she look like? What did her voice sound like? Did she think about me too? Did she remember my birthday? Did she still love me? Did she regret the choice she made? There was a point in my life that I even went as far as writing a fictional story about… [more]

There are moments in life that can change all that you thought to be true. It happens in the blink of an eye and often, without any warning. It may be a choice you make, a thought you have, a new person coming in to, or leaving your life, possibly a choice someone else makes for you, or even in their own lives. As far as my adoption story is concerned, I've had two of these moments. The first came in the form of a kick. I can still remember the first time I felt my daughter kick in my belly. Out of nowhere, there she was, and out of nowhere, I thought of a woman who I'd never met, a woman… [more]

Ever spoken to an adoptee who is searching? You might be surprised at how some people treat them. Although some social workers or clerks are very sympathetic and helpful, many people who have access to adoption records are are not known for being particularly kind. Some of the remarks that I have heard that adoptees receive are extremely sad. Several adoptees have told me that when they went to the adoption agency that handled their adoption they were told to come back later - when they were older. A few adoptees have told me that they went back several times before the agency would give them any information at all. Only recently, a young adoptee named Sarah told me that the agency that handled… [more]

This photo doesn't look anything like what I figured Pandora's Box might look like, but that's what it was entitled, so I will trust the photographer. "Pandora's Box" - even as educated as many have become about adoption reunions, we still have a long far to go in educating people about adoption search and reunions. Adoptees still receive the "Pandora's Box" reference when they mention that they are considering a search. "Why would you want to open all that up?" people ask them. I know that I was as guilty as anyone taking alot for granted. To know where my blonde hair came from, my thin genes, my spirit of adventure came from and many other details, I could always look to my… [more]

Have you begun to search and run into attitudes and people who make you want to scream? During your search, you may come across some troublesome attitudes when you tell people about your search. Even some of the agencies or other facilities that may have your records may be not be supportive of searches. Some people just do not understand why anyone wants or needs to search. In some instances, some people who control access to records are openly hostile to searchers. Therefore, if you are embarking on a search it might be best to prepare for mean-spirited, uninformed or ignorant comments from people. For instance, an adoptive mom I know recently went back to the agency that she used to adopt her daughter. She… [more]

Considering a search is generally a pretty scary proposition for most of us participants in closed adoptions. For each member of the triad the idea of searching presents different challenges. For adoptees, there may be some negative feedback when they announce that they are considering a search. People who aren’t adopted sometimes have a hard time grasping why a search is necessary. Consequently, some adopted people are sometimes peppered with insensitive probing questions about their desire to search. Comments such as: "Aren’t your adoptive parents upset?" "Why does it matter?" "Wouldn’t it hurt your adoptive parents?" "Why do you need to know about your birth family?" Somehow if you are not adopted yourself, it is one experience that is pretty difficult for many to comprehend or empathize with. Even amongst other… [more]