Deciding to Search

Mother’s Day was always a time of year I would wonder about my biological mother. When I was younger I knew I was adopted but didn’t know details, like my parents’ names or birthdays, so Hallmark Holidays such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day usually were what would trigger reflection for me. Growing up, when I would think about my mother (biological) I would wonder many things. What did she look like? What did her voice sound like? Did she think about me too? Did she remember my birthday? Did she still love me? Did she regret the choice she made? There was a point in my life that I even went as far as writing a fictional story about… [more]

I wrestled with the notion of searching for my birth family throughout much of my formative years. My adoptive parents always told me they would support a desire to search and do whatever would be necessary to assist me in this process.  During my younger years, I could not imagine ever wanting to know my biological parents. After all, they had given me away so why would I want to know them - and more importantly, they obviously did not want to know me. In my early teens, a life shattering event occurred that started to change my thinking.  When I was 14 years old my adoptive father died suddenly leaving me with a hole in my soul and a longing for something… [more]

There are moments in life that can change all that you thought to be true. It happens in the blink of an eye and often, without any warning. It may be a choice you make, a thought you have, a new person coming in to, or leaving your life, possibly a choice someone else makes for you, or even in their own lives. As far as my adoption story is concerned, I've had two of these moments. The first came in the form of a kick. I can still remember the first time I felt my daughter kick in my belly. Out of nowhere, there she was, and out of nowhere, I thought of a woman who I'd never met, a woman… [more]

As an adoptee who had a relatively uneventful childhood, searching for my birthparents wasn't a consuming goal for me growing up. I had a natural curiosity regarding obvious biological things: did anyone look like me, where did my blue eyes come from, who could I blame for this skin that burns in the slightest sun? Sometimes I would fantasize about how different my life might have been if I had been raised by my biological family or wonder if I had any siblings. As I became an older teenager, I developed a persistent concern that I might accidentally fall in love with a biological relative, heaven forbid, and having seen a cover story in the Weekly World News, have a resulting love child… [more]

What are other negative aspects of a search? Personally, I hate to hear when people forego a search due to worries of hurting either birth or adoptive parents. For birth parents, reunions can sometimes be very positive and help them heal. Most adoptive parents want what is best for their children, and sometimes that is an adoption search and reunion. Adoptive parents are less hurt if they understand the reasons and dynamics of search and reunion. Until you search and locate your child or birth parent, you cannot know whether the timing is the best or worst time for a reunion. If the timing for a reunion is not right for the other party, be prepared to wait for however long it takes them… [more]

Like “location, location, location” in real estate, timing is crucial in adoption search and reunion. Although you may choose to search when the timing is optimal for you, there is no way of knowing whether the timing is right for the person that you are searching for. You cannot know, so you take a leap of faith and hope for the best. Since you do not know about the other party, you need to figure out when the timing is right for you and hope that your birth family member is ready as well. Although it helps to prepare yourself before a search, there is no magical perfect time. If you have a strong urge to search, the timing is ripe. Sometimes… [more]

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I am a strong proponent of adoption search and reunions. When people discuss beginning a search with me, I try to provide as much information about the possibilities as I can. I cannot tell someone if a search is right for them or not, but I can give them a great deal of food for thought so they can decide for themselves. Only rarely do I question someone's motivation for a search. However, the truth is there are a few situations in which a search may not be wise. Expecting that a search will magically transform your life and resolve all your issues is not a reasonable expectation. Initially, a reunion may even complicate your life… [more]

Last night, my husband and I had a conversation where I shared a fear that I have with him. His response was that fears are based on assumptions and used the analogy of your in the woods and fear a lion….you assume the lion is going to attack so that is why you are afraid. I had no response and have been mulling over this thought process ever since. I think what he was trying to say is that I had to figure out is determine what my fear is based on. You can’t beat what isn’t real and you can’t overcome what is real if you won’t admit exists. Facing the fears based on reality helps to overcome it… [more]

7. Are you ready to meet possible extended family and integrate new members as your family? – When you meet your natural family, you are taking on more, not less. You open yourself up to a family that you may not remember and yet is yours by birth. You must decided how much of your life you ant to share with them. The day I learned my natural mother was deceased I also learned that I had a sister that I had never known about before in addition to uncles, aunts, and cousins. I never had thought about meeting these folks but they all wanted to be a part of my life and welcomed me with open arms. 8. Are you able… [more]

4. Are you ready to confront your adoption? When you meet your natural family you non longer can pretend that you were not adopted. Some don’t search or meet their natural parents because they are afraid of how their adoptive parents will feel. When I told my parents that I was going to search for my natural family I was afraid that the only parents I knew might feel that I did not love them. I didn’t want my adoption search and hopeful reunion to negate the years of nurture given to me by my mom and dad. Then, one day about a year into my search, my mom said to me that she hoped that I would find… [more]