October 6th, 2013

NEW CRACK IN WALLAh, Readers! Bear with me, please, as I get my feet beneath me navigating the site! Having been given permissions to blog in several categories here, I found in retrospect that I had posted under 'adoptee' rather than here under "Adoption Search''.  Please read the posts at the links given as they really do give the MOST important things to do prior to beginning a search. Here are the links: "Again and Again I Say, Prepare!" ; "Avoiding the Undertow". In an upcoming article, (not here in the blog section), you will read of my "Box Full of Matches". This is like a tool box, with each match… [more]

Dealing with Guilt in Adoption Reunion Part 2

September 28th, 2006

In a healthy relationship there is no position of power and both individuals are genuinely interested in the others well being and so there is no reason to feel threatened, and there is no fear of attack. Both individuals can be open and honest in a safe environment where they are valued and cared for. If you find yourself using guilt in your adoption reunion the answer to why you are doing it is in you and not the other person. You may want to ask yourself why you feel threatened? Is there something in the past that you can not forgive? Is there a good reason for you to be afraid? Do you have trouble trusting people? Do you suffer… [more]

Dealing with Guilt in Adoption Reunion Part 1

September 28th, 2006

In adoption reunion, have you ever found yourself turning to someone in your life and saying "If you loved me you would" or ending an argument with "don't worry about me". If so, are you using guilt as a weapon? Using guilt as a weapon may get you what you want in the short term, but it is a dangerous tactic that will undermine your relationship with your natural mother, child, sibling, spouse or significant other. Using guilt destroys intimacy by making love conditional. If you manipulate someone with guilt you are telling them that unless things are done the way you demand you will stop loving them. You set yourself up in a position of power that can only be sustained… [more]

Dealing with the Guilt Part 2

September 26th, 2006

The child you relinquished to adoption is no longer your child. Many still though torture themselves with the pain of guilt and doubt. It is human to do that but are you being fair to yourself? By loving your child you have loved deeply and that says that you have a deep capacity for love that many do not. Basically, natural parents are good people. Should that goodness not be recognized instead of inflicting the pain on yourself for what could of, would of, or should of have been done. The adoptive parents have welcomed into their home a child that is now theirs and are giving him or her everything they could. They care and do everything they know… [more]

Dealing with the Guilt Part 1

September 25th, 2006

Guilt is a word that can invoke in us the deepest, most terrible feelings of loss, horror, anger, and helplessness. Why did I do what I did? Why couldn't I have done more? Did I not do enough? Did I do too much? Did I do everything I could? Did I wait too long? If only I had not had unprotected sex. If only I had realized the consequences. If only I had waited longer. If only I had more money. If only I had listened to my parents. If only I had known more at the time. If only I had listened to my gut feelings. These are… [more]

Dealing with Grief Guilt and Realtionships Part 3

July 18th, 2006

Guilt is the sixth state of grief and if the emotions are misunderstood you can be miserable for years or you may experience a variety of physical symptoms of distress. It is important to face the feelings of guilt and not be afraid or embarrassed to talk about our feelings. The seventh stage is anger and resentment. This is when you may be more able to express strong feelings of anger and resentment. This is a normal but if allowed to take over can be harmful but they are normal and can be overcome. When we have something precious taken away from us we inevitably go through this stage when we are very critical of everything and everyone who was related to the… [more]

Dealing wiht Grief Guilt and Relationships Part 2

July 17th, 2006
Categories: Guilt, Issues, Triad Issues

There are 10 stages of grief and I think it is important to understand the process through which most people must go through as they face their loss. It is not an easy process and it doesn’t mean that every person goes through all of these stages nor do they go through them in this order. The first stage is shock and this is when the loss is so overwhelming you can’t believe what has happened. Shock is a temporary escape from reality. It is good to keep busy and to continue to carry on as much of the usual activities as possible. Emotion is the second stage and comes about at the same time as the reality of the loss sets in. There… [more]

Dealing with Grief Guilt and Relationships Part 1

July 14th, 2006

In understanding guilt I think the first thing you have to ask yourself is what things specifically are bothering you the most. Guilt shouldn’t be ignored or pushed down but rather talk about your guilt until you can let it go. I believe that when guilt is an issue it is important to accept the fact that you did the best you could and realize that living is a balance. There isn’t room for blaming yourself for things that you did not know or could no t change. Forgiveness is another important factor when dealing with guilt. You may need to ask for forgiveness. I am sure that there is no one that wants you to continue to suffer from guilt or grief… [more]