October 6th, 2013

NEW CRACK IN WALLAh, Readers! Bear with me, please, as I get my feet beneath me navigating the site! Having been given permissions to blog in several categories here, I found in retrospect that I had posted under 'adoptee' rather than here under "Adoption Search''.  Please read the posts at the links given as they really do give the MOST important things to do prior to beginning a search. Here are the links: "Again and Again I Say, Prepare!" ; "Avoiding the Undertow". In an upcoming article, (not here in the blog section), you will read of my "Box Full of Matches". This is like a tool box, with each match… [more]

My Biological Mother

May 15th, 2013

mothers heartMother’s Day was always a time of year I would wonder about my biological mother. When I was younger I knew I was adopted but didn’t know details, like my parents’ names or birthdays, so Hallmark Holidays such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day usually were what would trigger reflection for me. Growing up, when I would think about my mother (biological) I would wonder many things. What did she look like? What did her voice sound like? Did she think about me too? Did she remember my birthday? Did she still love me? Did she regret the choice she made? There was a point in my life that I even went as far as writing a fictional story about… [more]

How to Make a Birth Mom Angry

May 13th, 2007

For a birth mother in reunion, all sorts of remarks will be offered once you volunteer the news that you have been found or found your child. One of the main reasons I never told anyone that I was a birth mother until reunion was my fear that people would reject me once they heard my "secret." All in all, I was fortunate to receive lots of support and few insensitive comments. Here are some of the ways and comments nearly guaranteed to stir up reunited birth moms and set their blood boiling: 1. One of the all time favorite comments made to reunited birth mothers upon news that they are reunited: "Oh great, so everything is okay now!"… [more]

Adoption Loss and Support

March 6th, 2007
Categories: Issues, Loss

When a natural parent has lost a child to adoption she may feel guilt, shame, bitterness, anger and depression. You may feel that you found out too late that adoption did not deliver its promise to keep you free from difficulties and trapped you with a burden to silently bear. One thing about the adoption community is that we all have thoughts about what our lives would be like if adoption hadn’t touched us. The thing is that within the adoption community we all seem to know each others feelings and where they have stemmed from. Some may enjoy live search and support group meetings. Some have learned and realized at these meetings that because we know something about each other… [more]

Grief, Pain, and Healing

February 12th, 2007

Recently, I wrote about the loss of my dear friend Nathlie. This entire weekend I couldn’t stop thinking about her. So as I am dealing with my own personal experience with grief I thought that I would write about grief. One of the things that I realized this weekend is that grief isn’t simply a mental condition. It is a sadness that affects our physical and emotional selves. My grief experience has been with finding a grave or the loss of a couple of close friends and family members through the years. I think that with every loss that we experience the grief is different but the five stages of grief are the same. For those… [more]

Why Angry Part 3

January 12th, 2007
Categories: Anger, Issues

The vast majority of adoptees are not yet legally entitled to their records. There is a movement underway in many states to require, among other restrictive measures, that adult adoptees (whether age 21 or age 71) obtain the written consent of their adoptive parents to request the opening of their own adoption records. For non-adoptees, this could be likened to a requirement for the written permission of your parents to request a copy of your birth certificate, to apply for your original medical records, to register to vote, or to apply for a passport. What a ridiculous notion. Adoptees are separated from our birth families, and from all information about our birth families and our own origins. Our identities are routinely, legally hidden… [more]

Why Angry Part 4

January 12th, 2007
Categories: Anger, Issues

It was only when I obtained my "non-identifying information," which contained (among other more relevant information) my birth weight and size, that I discovered some of the physical and emotional deprivation this separation from my family and my history had caused. I had not known the existence of a basic physical need for answers residing silently and unknown within me my entire life, until that need was partially met. I wept with joy at the minuscule bit of data I had obtained, and dreamed that night of meeting a baby girl, hugging and being hugged by her with a strength I had never before experienced. I felt joyful, and knew we would be together forever. I woke from that dream, feeling spiritually and… [more]

Why Angry Part 2

January 11th, 2007
Categories: Anger, Issues

When I learned that someone other than me was also searching for Mary, the information raised the possibility that I have a sibling, a possibility that has wrenched my soul. I might have a brother or sister alive in the world, one I have never met, and we have no way to know or find each other unless our paths cross in the search for Mary. This is indisputably wrong. With this development, along with the 41 years of life as an adoptee, 20 years of considering a search, two years of frustrating work in searching for my birth family, and the unbelievable recent efforts by opponents of open records for adoptees, I am finally becoming angry. I am angry at the injustices against… [more]

Why Angry Part 1

January 11th, 2007
Categories: Anger, Issues

This was originally written during the search of a person whose natural mother recently passed away due to complications of Alzheimer’s. This is being posted to the blog with the author’s permission. I continue to believe that most people, when given the opportunity, will reconsider their automatically held, unexamined biases and opinions. If you have not considered the rights of adoptees before now, please take this opportunity to do so. I am Mary's daughter. Mary has a granddaughter and three great granddaughters she has never met. Four generations of women in my family have been directly affected by the prevailing attitudes of our society. As a parent and a grandparent, I realize we constantly reinforce a child's identity through family identity. My daughter looks so… [more]

Frustration and Anger Triggers

October 5th, 2006

For adoption triad members adoption is a part of our lives. It is not going to go away and it is not perfect. No matter your specific situation most encounter frustration and anger at some point. Frustration and anger surface because there are many experiences that can bring up these feelings. Here are some common triggers that I have seen through out the adoption community: • A yearning for knowledge • Family and friends who don’t understand • Our own confusion • A search that hits brick wall after brick wall • A reunion that is not going well Now, I truly believe that if used in a healthy way, the feelings of frustration and anger can be a positive thing and used to your advantage. Frustration can lead to new… [more]