Healing and Recovery

Mother’s Day was always a time of year I would wonder about my biological mother. When I was younger I knew I was adopted but didn’t know details, like my parents’ names or birthdays, so Hallmark Holidays such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day usually were what would trigger reflection for me. Growing up, when I would think about my mother (biological) I would wonder many things. What did she look like? What did her voice sound like? Did she think about me too? Did she remember my birthday? Did she still love me? Did she regret the choice she made? There was a point in my life that I even went as far as writing a fictional story about… [more]

Adoption can be difficult for both adoptive and biological parents. The same is true for adult adoptees, especially those who have reached out and haven't had successful reunion experiences. If you're an adult adoptee and you feel hurt, betrayed, or depressed, there are ways to move forward and find happiness and contentment in your life, despite the choices of others. You may be angry because your biological parents placed you with an adoptive family, or because you wanted your biological parents to parent you instead of letting another family do it. You may feel lost or alone because your past is a mystery and you don't know your or your family's history. No matter your personal adoption experience, you can emotionally heal and… [more]

There are many of you out there who want to begin your search for reconnection—or at least have thought about it. It can be a scary thing to think about. It is full of unknowns and mystery. And because the reconnection journey can be so long and arduous, just the mere thought can be completely overwhelming. For those who have already reconnected or are currently in the thick of reconnecting, you understand what others are going through. That’s one reason it is important to be a support to others in similar situation. Use your story and your experience to guide, instruct, and inform others. Some of those who are searching don’t know how to get started or how to continue. This is where… [more]

For a birth mother in reunion, all sorts of remarks will be offered once you volunteer the news that you have been found or found your child. One of the main reasons I never told anyone that I was a birth mother until reunion was my fear that people would reject me once they heard my "secret." All in all, I was fortunate to receive lots of support and few insensitive comments. Here are some of the ways and comments nearly guaranteed to stir up reunited birth moms and set their blood boiling: 1. One of the all time favorite comments made to reunited birth mothers upon news that they are reunited: "Oh great, so everything is okay now!"… [more]

My recent blog on The Primal Wound received enough comments that I think it is worth wrapping up the issue with some conclusions and final thoughts. So many years after the Primal Wound was written, it is still a controversial theory. However, it has been accepted by many adoptees and researchers. I applaud the book for the benefits it has provided to those who embrace the theory and feel that it explains their lives in a way nothing else has been able to do. Several adoptees commented that it had great relevance for them, and I think that is extremely important. Finally feeling understood is a significant gift for those who have felt a lack of not only being understood by… [more]

I strongly recommend a local search and support group in the area you live as well as the area you are searching in if they are different. There are also national organizations such as the Adoptee Liberty Movement Association (ALMA), American Adoption Congress (AAC), and Concerned United Birth Parents (CUB). These groups not only encourage adoption search and support but also believe in openness in current adoption practice. The contact information for the organizations mentioned in this blog is at the end along with the links to their websites. As you may have found by surfing the internet, there is ton of literature out there in regards to adoption search and reunion. There are many helpful books and articles… [more]

Whether there is really a "primal wound" that occurs after a baby is separated from its mother at birth is a popular topic for discussion in adoption circles. The theory of a primal wound is not reserved exclusively for babies who are adopted. This theory also includes children who are separated at birth from their mothers due to serious medical issues and/or prematurity. However, the premise of the primal wound was conceived by adoptive mom and therapist Nancy Verrier due to the experiences she noticed raising her two daughters. One daughter was her biological child, and the other was adopted. Raising her daughters, she noticed a difference in the way her adopted daughter responded to her, and ultimately related it to a primal… [more]

When a natural parent has lost a child to adoption she may feel guilt, shame, bitterness, anger and depression. You may feel that you found out too late that adoption did not deliver its promise to keep you free from difficulties and trapped you with a burden to silently bear. One thing about the adoption community is that we all have thoughts about what our lives would be like if adoption hadn’t touched us. The thing is that within the adoption community we all seem to know each others feelings and where they have stemmed from. Some may enjoy live search and support group meetings. Some have learned and realized at these meetings that because we know something about each other… [more]

Recently, I wrote about the loss of my dear friend Nathlie. This entire weekend I couldn’t stop thinking about her. So as I am dealing with my own personal experience with grief I thought that I would write about grief. One of the things that I realized this weekend is that grief isn’t simply a mental condition. It is a sadness that affects our physical and emotional selves. My grief experience has been with finding a grave or the loss of a couple of close friends and family members through the years. I think that with every loss that we experience the grief is different but the five stages of grief are the same. For those… [more]

The vast majority of adoptees are not yet legally entitled to their records. There is a movement underway in many states to require, among other restrictive measures, that adult adoptees (whether age 21 or age 71) obtain the written consent of their adoptive parents to request the opening of their own adoption records. For non-adoptees, this could be likened to a requirement for the written permission of your parents to request a copy of your birth certificate, to apply for your original medical records, to register to vote, or to apply for a passport. What a ridiculous notion. Adoptees are separated from our birth families, and from all information about our birth families and our own origins. Our identities are routinely, legally hidden… [more]