What are yours intentions? In the excitement and drive to satisfy a burning need with in you, it is easy to lose sight of the feelings and needs of the other person; yet it is very important that you consider the other person. Your needs and expectations may be very similar or very different than theirs. Some may see the reunion as an opportunity to establish a deep relationship, others may simply want to exchange information, find out how the other person is doing, and connect once or twice a year. Being up front with each other is very important. You may also want to remind... more

I also feel it is important to be honest with the adoptive parents. A good opening line in discussing search and reunion with adoptive parents could be, “Do you remember when I asked you about my birth family? Well I’m getting more information. Do you want me to tell you what happens or would you rather not know?” Some adoptive parents may very quickly change the subject in response to this choice which gives the adoptee a very clear message that they don’t’ want to know. Although this may be a relief, it could also be a disappointment. However, the adoptee may be surprised... more

Birth mothers who continue to maintain the secret are not given the opportunity to grieve. Birth mothers have often times lost their first child, her family has lost a family member, but yet, like miscarriage, is not publicly acknowledged. There is no newspaper announcement, no funeral, and no grave to visit. Grieving and acknowledging a death is accepted in society, however birth mothers pursue an alternative path of grieving since society generally did not accept unwed mothers. Search and reunion, no matter the results, can create healing. Finally one is able to say... more

One thing triad members have in common is secrecy. This has stopped them from interacting with others in an open and comfortable way. Although society may have changed when it comes to search, some adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents continue to have a difficult time talking about "adoption". They still feel the strength of the secret of the adoption and the risks of telling.

Consider the view society had at the time the secret began when appreciating the risk that the birth parent holding that secret might feel by exposing the secret. A birth parent who... more

I immediately wanted to search for the woman who gave birth to me and in a short period of time I become disinterested in events that I had worked on and looked forward to. My adoptive mom, in her own grief over the loss of her mother would not hear of me missing out on any of these things. She gave me the ability to try and see things in the face of adversity.

It was after I found my birth mother that I realized there are too many treasures in life we take for granted, the worth of which we don’t fully realize until they are pointed out to us in some unexpected... more

Adoptive families can often feel left out of the search and reunion process. This can stir up a number of feelings, including a fear of losing the child they raised and loved. For many adoptees, these are important relationships that they do not want to jeopardize. Reassuring their adoptive families, including them and being open and honest can often help them feel comfortable with the reunion.

Adoptive families may not be supportive in the adoptees search because they may feel they have not been a good enough family. They may fear rejection by the... more

You may be asking yourself and wondering, “Am I ready to search for my natural family?” Keep in mind that searching is about finding out the truth about your self. It is NOT about relationships, although most people hope to be able to have some type of relationship with their birth family. The majority of the people who search do indeed have some contact with the other person or family. A lot have wonderful relationships and others might only talk one time.

All relationships need maturity, mutual respect, acceptance, forgiveness, and unconditional love, but... more

Asking yourself what you hope to find when you make contact will help you focus your thinking. Exploring ideas of what the other person may be thinking and feeling will help you to develop empathy.

Meeting other birth parents – but not your own birth parents – can help you feel the range of feelings and adjust to different scenarios. Meeting other people from your own past, such as an agency social worker or former foster parent will help you connect with the feeling of meeting someone who really cared for you and thinks about you from time to time.

Before... more