On with the debate... Part 1 is here. Maybe we should get an equal number of birth moms, adoptive moms and adoptees in a room together and duke it out – like Sandra and I did recently on-line.

Do you think then that we could come up with a consensus on the best words to use in adoption? What would it take for that to happen? Think it would work? Would there be enough agreement on any words, or would it be an impossible feat? What if the majority ruled? ... more

Grab your cup of coffee, and let's talk about some of the search and reunion issues on your mind. Karen and I have blogging about this subject for awhile now and we have covered alot. We have been fortunate to receive our fair share of comments, but, we would love even more input.

We have talked about how to begin a search, helpful data bases and resources available. Since emotions are such a huge factor in adoption search and reunion, we have blogged about many of those issues. Karen, as an adoptee who searched and found the grave of her natural mother at the end... more

Although I have read a great deal about laws in each state which dictate access to adoption records, I recently discovered that a few states even have laws which specifically address adoption searches. I believe that they are perhaps referring to a search that is being conducted through the state. It is worth checking in your state if you are contemplating a search.

Here is the link for Wisconsin, one of the states I found has specific laws which address adoption search. Below... more

Shortly before the concert started a large extended family, staked out their claim by spreading out their blanket and chairs quite near us. Two young girls in their group were excitedly chatting before the concert. While I have all the tolerance in the world for my grandchildren's vocal nature, sometimes when I am aiming for serenity and peace, other loud children sometimes annoy me. I blame it partially on getting old and cranky as well.

Initially, I worried a bit that these two little girls were going to be a pain, and disturb our peaceful evening. Glancing at my husband,... more

I walk a tightrope when I discuss birth mothers with adoptive parents.

Some birth moms are understandably bitter and anger. Expressing that anger in appropriate ways is healthy, however, being overly hostile when dealing with other triad members is counter productive. People tune out if there is too much anger. In addition, they may sometimes dismiss someone that they believe is too unstable.

When I talk about birth mothers in general, I want to present as balanced a picture as possible. Most of the birth moms I know have suffered grievously... more

What are yours intentions? In the excitement and drive to satisfy a burning need with in you, it is easy to lose sight of the feelings and needs of the other person; yet it is very important that you consider the other person. Your needs and expectations may be very similar or very different than theirs. Some may see the reunion as an opportunity to establish a deep relationship, others may simply want to exchange information, find out how the other person is doing, and connect once or twice a year. Being up front with each other is very important. You may also want to remind... more

I also feel it is important to be honest with the adoptive parents. A good opening line in discussing search and reunion with adoptive parents could be, “Do you remember when I asked you about my birth family? Well I’m getting more information. Do you want me to tell you what happens or would you rather not know?” Some adoptive parents may very quickly change the subject in response to this choice which gives the adoptee a very clear message that they don’t’ want to know. Although this may be a relief, it could also be a disappointment. However, the adoptee may be surprised... more

Birth mothers who continue to maintain the secret are not given the opportunity to grieve. Birth mothers have often times lost their first child, her family has lost a family member, but yet, like miscarriage, is not publicly acknowledged. There is no newspaper announcement, no funeral, and no grave to visit. Grieving and acknowledging a death is accepted in society, however birth mothers pursue an alternative path of grieving since society generally did not accept unwed mothers. Search and reunion, no matter the results, can create healing. Finally one is able to say... more

One thing triad members have in common is secrecy. This has stopped them from interacting with others in an open and comfortable way. Although society may have changed when it comes to search, some adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents continue to have a difficult time talking about "adoption". They still feel the strength of the secret of the adoption and the risks of telling.

Consider the view society had at the time the secret began when appreciating the risk that the birth parent holding that secret might feel by exposing the secret. A birth parent who... more

I immediately wanted to search for the woman who gave birth to me and in a short period of time I become disinterested in events that I had worked on and looked forward to. My adoptive mom, in her own grief over the loss of her mother would not hear of me missing out on any of these things. She gave me the ability to try and see things in the face of adversity.

It was after I found my birth mother that I realized there are too many treasures in life we take for granted, the worth of which we don’t fully realize until they are pointed out to us in some unexpected... more