After a lifetime of hearing different variations of "you are not that child's mother", "you should be over your pain", etc. all of which I discussed in Part 1 & Part 2 is it any wonder that many birth moms never search? Or, if found have trouble allowing themselves to reconnect with their relinquished children?

Is it any wonder after years of internalizing all those comments... more

Making the decision to have a child is momentous -- it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~ Elizabeth Stone

Between the negative comments from others and the guilt that birth mothers may heap on themselves, it is hard for many of them to believe that they deserve to have any contact with their relinquished children. I have even heard some birth mothers with children in open adoptions who make comments that indicate that they may not feel that they “deserve” contact. They say that they do not want to “bother” or “interfere” with their... more

When women relinquish children to adoption, there seem to be a number of stock comments that many of them hear repeatedly. These comments may begin before the baby is born, and continue throughout a woman's lifetime. When a birth mom expresses sadness, regret or sorrow, instead of having her feeling validated, here is what she is often told:

 Get over it, put “it” in the past;  You were too young to be a mother, it would have ruined your life;  You have no right to that child; you are not its mother anymore;  The best... more

I think that at some point during the healing journey of search and reunion journey the issue of abandonment finds a way to wiggle it’s way into conversations. I think that this issue is that many adoptees feel as if they were left by their birth parents, that there may have been something shameful about their past and in turn feel shameful about themselves. Another thought is that adoptees may feel they do not have permission to grieve the loss they feel from not growing up with their biological families and sadly get stuck in their anger and sadness.

The thing is... more

I think there are various forms or degrees of separation anxiety. For me separation anxiety had been a fear about others leaving me whom I feel attached and secure. Separation anxiety may be the number one anxiety problem in childhood but is also prevalent amongst adults and in adoption. Some may think that my talking to my mom everyday is a sign of separation anxiety and it may be. On the flip side, it just may mean that we have a close relationship. The signs that are more obvious to me are that I never liked to be in new situation unless someone whom I feel close and safe... more

In the closed adoption era, I think that the one life event for adoptees that has no age requirements or timing requirements is when an adoptee finds out he or she is adopted. When this happens, we adoptees suddenly find out that everything we have been told about ourselves is not true and sets up insecurity and a need to find out where we came from. There are times that I think many adoptees, including myself, think or thought that a search may be able to replace the quicksand the past suddenly became For that reason, a search can occur at any age.

I have helped many... more

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Fear is a huge issue in adoption search and reunions. So, if you ARE a "Fraidy Cat", you are not alone! Not making fun of you either, but, I liked this cat and needed a reason to display it!

Some of the most common fears which arise when an adoptee decides to search and/or reunite may be:

1. Will my adoptive parents understand my need to search? 2. Is it fair to them for me to search? 3. What if my adoptive parents and birth parents do not like each other? 4. Where will I spend holidays if I find another... more

One factor in making the decision to search is the perception of how the adoptive parents might react. Many are afraid that the adoptive parents may feel that searching would hurt the adoptive parents. Even if the adoptive parents are willing to talk about it and answer the adoptees questions the best they could it may still be difficult to share with your adoptive parents that you are going to search. The fear of the reaction that they are your family and why would need to go any where else can be frightening.

It is important to explain and emphasize that the adoptee does not want to replace the family and that they are loved. You may experience feelings of quilt and worry about... more