Being adopted is a life long issue. It effects every aspect of your life whether you realize it or not. You may have a job and a family and a good self image but the fact that the family you grew up in is not the family whose genetics you share never goes away and doesn’t change. Some adoptees may be in denial and some find an uneasy peace with the situation and some outreach to support groups, and some search for and find their natural families.

When adopters finally have a child and the adoption is finalized their may concern is the immediate needs of the child.... more

1. Disrupted attachment of feelings of disconnectedness (especially in delayed adoptions). With infant adoptions there is a sense of ambiguous attachment, a tenuous sense of attachment. Even if loved, an adoptee may feel like they don't fit in or belong in the family.

2. Splitting of good/bad self and good/bad objects. Around 8-11 years of age, adoptees have trouble integrating nurturing punitive parts of self and parents. They may switch the fantasy back and forth. Birthparents are rejecting parents as nurturing and vice versa. Black and white thinking can become... more

My impression is that most adoptees are better prepared for a negative experience at reunion than a positive one. The stereotypical birth parents are perceived to be young, poor, unstable and sometimes abusive or addicted to drugs or alcohol.

I have heard some adoptees joke that they are pleasantly surprised at reunion if their birth mother is not either in jail or a hooker. Some few do encounter birth parents with heavy-duty issues. The “average” birth parent is probably a fairly ordinary middle class person. I know birth moms who are lawyers, therapists, bank vice-presidents,... more

Intimacy being the sixth core issue in adoption is the loss, feelings of rejection, shame and grief, and incomplete sense of self may hinder the development of intimacy for triad members. Triad members avoid possible reenactment of previous losses is to avoid closeness and commitment.

Triad members may hold back a part of themselves in a relationship. There may be difficulties in bonding and attachment. Intamacy issues may be more obvious in relationships with members of the opposite sex because of questions in regards to conception, biological or genetic concerns... more

It is a fact that humans are naturally curious about their origins. Sometimes it is not a case of curiosity but rather the need to know their origins for medical reasons. DNA and genetic testing may be an avenue you may want to travel to help solve the adoption obstacles. Genetic testing may help solve the mysteries of the past.

For years I had searched for my birth father. My first personal experience with DNA was two or three years after finding my natural family. My sister’s father, had admitted that there was a possibility that he could be my natural father. He was... more

Today was an emotional day. It is March 30, 2006 and it is the best of times and the worst of times. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for two years. We have had a pregnancy in my tube, and a miscarriage. It has been an emotional roller coaster for us both and we kind of came to a point of if it doesn’t happen soon, we are going to take a break. I guess in a way we were accepting that we might not be able to have a child of our own. My new cycle should have began yesterday and my monthly visitor was a no show. I did a home pregnancy test last night and as we... more

Over the weekend I encountered a searching adoptee whose anger is sadly getting the best of her. After a few email exchanges with her, I thought it might be good to write about the losses of adoption and grief. The thing with adoption is that there are gains and losses for all triad members. Adoptees gain parents while losing their birth parents. Adoptive parents who are infertile become parents while losing the dream of giving birth to a child. Birth parents are relieved of the parenting while losing a child.

Even in the world of open adoptions, there is loss. There... more

In part 1 of "Do Birth Moms Love Their Children?" I mentioned that one of our challenges as birth parents in reunion is to convince our children that we love them. Maybe "convince" is the wrong word. We just want our children to feel our love for them and believe that it is unconditional and real. No "convincing" should be involved.

Mothers generally love their children. Who can argue with that premise? To love your child is the most natural instinct on... more

Marie Myung-Ok Lee, our fertility blogger, wrote an interesting post about her experience working with birth moms in Korea. Here is a quote from that blog:

…..they hoped that by helping give me an accurate — warts and all — picture of themselves as birth mothers, that perhaps I could write a story that might explain to their children the circumstances in which they found themselves, and how that led to the adoption. The women felt strongly about refuting common notions that they "threw away" their children (indeed, in common speech, this is how "placing for... more

There are times that I can be very emotional. I may not react in a way that I always should to things. Sometimes I react and in hindsight feel as if I am on automatic pilot and I just react. I have determined that this is usually in a situation that I feel as if I need to respond with anger and or am quiet, or just walk away. How much of these reactions are based from past experiences.

One of the things I have learned along the way is that we always have a choice. The key is to include these choices during the times that my fears are the most prevalent. For a long... more