Hard not to do sometimes - to judge others, that is. Most of us try to be fair, reasonable and not lump people into categories based on one single facet of a person. However, many people do judge others based solely on one single aspect.

That factor could be skin color, race, religion or gender. In adoption, it could be based on one's position in the triad. "Birth mothers" are often all lumped into one vast category. (I am certain that adoptive moms may feel the same way.) Some adoptive parents know few birth parents. They may know only the birth parent of their child or children.... more

The adoption facilitators wanted to guarantee the surrender of your baby so your baby may have been taken immediately into foster care with no explanation and kept there with the location kept secret from you so the social worker could use “abandonment” as a basis for revoking your parental rights. You may have been told that the adoption was “final” and found out later that it wasn’t. You may have been told that your baby had died at birth and later found out this was false. You may have been told that there are no alternatives or you were led to believe that a promise... more

Additional attempts were made to distance you from your baby in order to increase the probability that you would surrender. The adoption facilitators wanted to ensure that surrender of your baby was seen by you as “inevitable”.

Your baby may have been taken from you at birth or by medical professionals or even the prospective adoptive parents and your access to your baby in the hospital was restricted by the doctors and nursing staff. You may have been placed in a ward that was not a maternity ward for recovery which was a distance from your baby. Your baby may... more

Another form of coercions was to convince the birth mother that they had an emotional obligation to surrender their baby.

Adoption professionals may have told you to think only of the joy that you would give to a couple who could not have children of their own or if you changed your mind you will be disappointing a wonderful mother who has been waiting for her first baby.

You may have been told that you could not keep your baby because your baby has been promised to someone already and you were encouraged to have the adopters pay your medical or living expenses... more

One topic that I thought that we should touch on is birth mothers who were coerced. Where you coerced?

Below is a list of some common practices used in the adoption community on birth mothers that I have learned of through my many years of being involved in the adoption community. I believe that some of these tactics go back as far as the 1950’s. These tactics may have been used by clergy, social workers, nurses, nuns, doctors, attorneys, agency, or a baby broker.

Birth mothers were convinced that adoption was the only option. They tried to convince the... more

If you are at a good place in life, you might look back at your life and be grateful for each step along the way, knowing that you would eventually be where you are today. On the other hand, if you are unhappy with your life today, you might look back and regret many of your past decisions.

The third option is to be mostly content with your life, but, not be totally at peace with all the decisions you have made in life. Like many birth moms, for me reunion was a time of self-discovery and a time to examine my life. As I pondered my life at reunion, the inevitable question was... more

In part 1 of "Do Birth Moms Love Their Children?" I mentioned that one of our challenges as birth parents in reunion is to convince our children that we love them. Maybe "convince" is the wrong word. We just want our children to feel our love for them and believe that it is unconditional and real. No "convincing" should be involved.

Mothers generally love their children. Who can argue with that premise? To love your child is the most natural instinct on... more

Marie Myung-Ok Lee, our fertility blogger, wrote an interesting post about her experience working with birth moms in Korea. Here is a quote from that blog:

…..they hoped that by helping give me an accurate — warts and all — picture of themselves as birth mothers, that perhaps I could write a story that might explain to their children the circumstances in which they found themselves, and how that led to the adoption. The women felt strongly about refuting common notions that they "threw away" their children (indeed, in common speech, this is how "placing for... more

After a lifetime of hearing different variations of "you are not that child's mother", "you should be over your pain", etc. all of which I discussed in Part 1 & Part 2 is it any wonder that many birth moms never search? Or, if found have trouble allowing themselves to reconnect with their relinquished children?

Is it any wonder after years of internalizing all those comments... more

Making the decision to have a child is momentous -- it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~ Elizabeth Stone

Between the negative comments from others and the guilt that birth mothers may heap on themselves, it is hard for many of them to believe that they deserve to have any contact with their relinquished children. I have even heard some birth mothers with children in open adoptions who make comments that indicate that they may not feel that they “deserve” contact. They say that they do not want to “bother” or “interfere” with their... more