Back in my corner, to discuss the verbal sparring matches between me and Sandra Hanks Benoiton (Older Adoptive Mom and International Adoptive Mom Blogger.) To catch up, read Sandra latest blog on the subject.

I have to admit, I was somewhat surprised when Sandra had such a dramatic negative reaction to my comment which she described as "touching". After I received her email back after making my comment, I was kicking myself for making the comment and feeling that maybe... more

Not certain if anyone has noticed or not, but, blogger Sandra and are are making inroads to building a bridge of understanding of sorts between us. Early on in our blogging, Sandra made a comment or two on my blog that made it clear to me that we were at odds with each other.

Conversely, the comments I considered leaving on her blog, but didn't, also reflected that we felt polar opposites in our views on adoption. Come to think of it, I think my restraint was not totally effective. I may have left at least a comment or two on her blog as well. We are both... more

One day, Tony confessed that he didn't like being the skeleton in someone's closet. He didn't like being the object of shame. With this, I was faced by a choice: I could, in essence, lose my son a second time to shame and society's approbation, or I could choose differently this time, claiming my son and his place in my life.

Recently, I have commented on how I sometimes long for lighter subjects. You know...funny comments made by my children or cute things that they have done. Many of our bloggers have young children, and... more

Adoption is sometimes the right choice for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. Parenting is the right choice sometimes too. For some women, abortion may be their right choice, whether you believe in it yourself. It is presumptuous to tell a woman that her decision was right or wrong. You cannot possibly know that.

No one can know for certain, and she may or may not believe that she should have parented her child. Telling her that you believe that she made the right choice by choosing adoption may insinuate that you believe she was never meant to be a mother. It could... more

If there is one phrase certain to irritate many birth mothers more than any other, it has to be "You did the right thing." This particular comment first surfaces when a woman in a crisis pregnancy is considering adoption. Some people felt quite confident in telling a woman at that point that she is "doing the right thing". They may know almost nothing about her, and yet they are convinced adoption is the best solution for her.

Later, after a woman has made the decision to relinquish, more praise comes her way for "doing the right thing". In some people's minds,... more

The decision to search is another way that the natural mother can cope. I have touched on the various issues relating to search in this blog and in others. A natural mother does have a number of options to initiate the search such as using a support group, hiring an investigator or a search consultant, surfing the internet, contacting the agency or attorney office that handled the adoption, and researching for clues. As time moves on adoption issues has started to receive a large amount of media coverage. In addition to that there are a lot of books,... more

9. Another really important way to support a birth mom in reunion is to allow her to grieve. If she has not done much or any healing prior to reunion, she may need to grieve, be sad and cry a great deal. While it is appropriate to encourage her to get therapy and find support groups, let her be sad and cry around you if she needs to. Sometimes she may need or want no words, but, just need a hug.

My husband is a very caring and nurturing person and whenever I cried or was sad in early reunion, at first he wanted to “fix it” for me. He always... more

6. Understand that reunion is between a birth mother and her child. It is inappropriate to attempt to make her feel guilty as though by reconnecting with her child, she is somehow usurping the adoptive parents’ role or being unfair or cruel to them.

Reunion is not all about the adoptive parents, and they should not be the main focus. It is most likely that she knows that reunion may pose some uncomfortable times for the adoptive parents. She is probably quite sensitive to their feelings. The last thing she needs is for her friends and... more

Could it be that the time to judge a woman's motives for relinquishing a child should be BEFORE she follows through? Would it benefit a pregnant women in crisis to somehow try to reach her and help her understand the gravity of permanently severing her maternal ties to her child?

I do understand how other women react in horror upon hearing that a woman is a birth mother, and gave her own flesh and blood away. However, I guess I wish other women would try to hit home that message before a woman loses a child to adoption. Not all women can be helped - I know that.

Let... more

Do people think giving up a baby that you carried and nurtured for nine months and then gave birth to is a despicable act? An act that only a woman who is cold, unfeeling and uncaring could possibly do? Do they believe that a woman who would even consider relinquishing her child is unworthy to parent?

I know that some people believe that relinquishing a child to adoption is a brave, noble and unselfish act. That is not a message that I care to promote though, even if sometimes it may be the case. That message is already vocalized often for me.

Either way, mixed... more