Rejection is the second core issue. It is human nature for individuals to cope with a loss by personalizing it. Triad members often times try to decipher what they did or didn’t do that led to the loss and become sensitive to the slightest hint of rejection. Therefore, situations are avoided where they might be rejected or to provoke rejection in order to validate their negative self perception.

It took a lot of hard work for me to not view my placement for adoption by my natural mother as anything other than total rejection. The concept of being “chosen” means... more

I think that the one thing that all triad members can agree on is that adoption is lifelong for all triad members. Through adoption families are united and the creation of a family through adoption can be a great joy and painful.

There are what many refer to as “the 7 core issues in adoption” and I want to try and write about each of these issues briefly to help everyone better understand one another and the effects of the adoption journey.

These 7 core issues are as follows: 1) Loss 2) Rejection 3) Guilt and Shame 4) Grief 5) Identity... more

Trust can be an issue for triad members. There are probably a handful of people that I can trust because I believe that trust is earned. I have learned some valuable lessons about trust. I have heard triad members say that they have trust issues, that they don’t trust easily and that it is hard to be open.

We all go through struggles in life. Some endure more than others. Personally, trust has been the hardest issues in my life that I have ever had to deal with and come to terms with on a more positive level. For me, not trusting was my shield. It was a way to protect... more

Some advocates of search and reunion tend to the minimize the possibility of rejection by the found party. Initially, when I entered the search and reunion world, the mantra was that rejection is rare.

I understand that to support those searching, some may want to downplay the possibility of rejection. Acceptance is more common. However, I have encountered more rejections than I expected given how rare I was told that rejections actually occur.

While I do not want to scare anyone with the possibility of rejection; I do believe that it is best to be forwarned that it might... more

There are some books that just should be ready by every one whether they have no intention of search, or are searching, or had a reunion a long time ago. These books will help all triad members understand what has happened to us as a group of people. I also think that adoption professionals, social workers, counselors, lawyers, judges, doctors, and nurses should read these books so that they can discover what their policies and practices are doing to those affected by adoption.

The first book is Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience by Betty Jean Lifton. Many in the... more

Ancestry.com is a valuable resource for both genealogists and adoption searchers. Family history research is an effort to find one's roots whether one is adopted or not. It is an attempt to fit together the pieces of one’s life, and therefore, Genealogy is one of the most popular hobbies in the United States.

In a recent issue of a free weekly journal that Ancestry.com publishes, the subject was "Preserving Access to Records: What Can you do?" Juliana Smith covered some important points in this... more

Living and experiencing the closed adoption era it is clouded by secrecy, shame, and silence. For some, it may be an experience that was fueled by betrayal and lies.

In today’s world the family structure is complex and there are numerous reasons why mothers and babies are unable to stay together. I am not against adoption but I do feel that it should be the last resort.

When I first started my search for my natural family in 1991 one myth that I believed was that I was not wanted and not loved. This was a very negative imprint for me. It created resentment and... more

It is a fact that humans are naturally curious about their origins. Sometimes it is not a case of curiosity but rather the need to know their origins for medical reasons. DNA and genetic testing may be an avenue you may want to travel to help solve the adoption obstacles. Genetic testing may help solve the mysteries of the past.

For years I had searched for my birth father. My first personal experience with DNA was two or three years after finding my natural family. My sister’s father, had admitted that there was a possibility that he could be my natural father. He was... more

I think there is some disagreement and/or confusion as to exactly what tactics really are coercive. My blogging partner Karen gave some excellent examples of common tactics in her recent posts. From reading her posts on coercion (Part 1, Part 2) it sounds to me as though she probably must know quite a few birth mothers.

Coercive tactics have been practiced... more

If I understanding birth mothers, I understand that when they relinquish their child to adoption the birth mother goes through a difficult time of emotional turmoil and questions. One of those questions may be “Am I still a mother?” Does my child think of me on her or her birthday? Will the relationship have a chance to grow or do birth mothers feel like an unfinished mother.

I really don’t think that the loss of a child can be explained easily. It is a journey that is more difficult than ever expected. There was a beginning but with the relinquishment of the child... more