My impression is that most adoptees are better prepared for a negative experience at reunion than a positive one. The stereotypical birth parents are perceived to be young, poor, unstable and sometimes abusive or addicted to drugs or alcohol.

I have heard some adoptees joke that they are pleasantly surprised at reunion if their birth mother is not either in jail or a hooker. Some few do encounter birth parents with heavy-duty issues. The “average” birth parent is probably a fairly ordinary middle class person. I know birth moms who are lawyers, therapists, bank vice-presidents,... more

I think it is natural for adoptive parents to have strong conflicting emotions even if they are supportive of their child and sympathize with their need to search for a birth parent. However, for the adoptee, the longing in their spirit is to become peaceful and have a new understanding.

Even though adoptive parents were supportive in the search, when the search is completed they may experience some strong conflicting emotions. They may become fearful and angry; they may also feel sorrow, jealousy, betrayal, guilt and a sense of failure. These feelings may be tangled... more

Many of you probably can imagine some of the ideas I used to hold about adoption. A few of you probably still fervently believe some of the same things that I used to believe. You know - stuff like birth mothers forgetting and moving on with their lives - not holding their babies because it would make it harder for them later -ideas along those lines.

Domestic newborn adoption is the area that I feel needs the most reform, so, I focus on that area of adoption most often. Many of the "old" ideas still abound in newborn adoptions. My views on both pre-birth matching and adoptive parents... more

It is my belief that the only power which can resist the power of fear is the power of love.

Alan Paton

Some parents in open adoptions feel a need to restrict access and allow only limited contact. They fear that their children may become too attached to the birth parents and/or worry that the birth parents may attempt to "take back" the child. Their fears may dictate how their adoption is run, instead of dealing with their fear and not allowing it to control their lives and their childrens' as well.

Given that such a small number of contested adoptions,... more

According to the statistics I located, less than .1% of adoptions are contested each year. In other words, while a contested adoption is within the realm of possibility it is highly unlikely.

I had often wondered about what the likelihood of a contested adoption really was. While I had always been told that birth parents rarely regain custody of their children, I was very curious about it. From what I had heard, the chances are slim to none that parents contest their relinquished child's adoption. However, having never seen any hard data,... more

Continuing on from part 1, more comments not to say to a birth parent in reunion.

5. How brave, courageous and unselfish you were. Some women who relinquish babies or children to adoption are all those things. However, as I mentioned previously, it is making a huge assumption without really knowing the facts, to say that to someone. Many women who relinquish do not feel as though they were "brave"; they feel that they were weak and powerless. Therefore, they may not want praise for what they may consider a wrong or poor decision. They believe that if they had been... more

I recall reading a post some time ago on "What Not to Say to an Adoptive Parent". It inspired this post. These are some of my favorite comments better not made to a reunited birth mom.

1. "That's wonderful that you are reunited and everything worked out fine." Reunion does not magically "fix" the past or the future. It is a mistake to assume that just because one is reunited means that "everything worked out fine." Reunion is a wonderful experience, but, nothing makes up for all the years apart. Many adoptees and birth parents would not agree that everything worked... more

In a previous post, I spoke about some of the fears that adoptive parents may face at reunion. They range from fear of losing their child to the birth family to worrying that the birth family may hurt their child in some way. Some of the fears that adoptive parents have about reunion may be reality based, others less so. Nevertheless, these fears are real and valid to those who feel them.

The fear of losing their child at reunion is not a realistic one, in my opinion. It is rare that at reunion a child decides to discontinue contact with an adoptive family. What is more... more

Many who search sometimes wait until after their adoptive parents are deceased. Some adoptees may feel that even though his or her adoptive parents are deceased they still have to deal with the fear of disgracing their memory as if searching would make a statement against them.

I was only 21 when I initiated my search. When I learned that my natural mother was 29 at the time of my birth I pushed way the idea that she might be deceased. After all, when I started my search she was only 51. When I learned my natural mother was deceased at the age of 52... more

Stands to reason that my daughter, the mother of my three cherished grandchildren, would be one of my favorite moms. I suppose it is not hard to understand that my other special moms have ties to adoption. I do spend a great deal of time with triad members.

One of my dearest friends, and a favorite mom, I met shortly after my reunion. She is the first birth mom that I ever met. I sent her a Mothers' Day card a few years back knowing that it might be the only one that she received. Her only child, a son and father of three, does not want contact with her. He fears that it would... more