9. Another really important way to support a birth mom in reunion is to allow her to grieve. If she has not done much or any healing prior to reunion, she may need to grieve, be sad and cry a great deal. While it is appropriate to encourage her to get therapy and find support groups, let her be sad and cry around you if she needs to. Sometimes she may need or want no words, but, just need a hug.

My husband is a very caring and nurturing person and whenever I cried or was sad in early reunion, at first he wanted to “fix it” for me. He always... more

6. Understand that reunion is between a birth mother and her child. It is inappropriate to attempt to make her feel guilty as though by reconnecting with her child, she is somehow usurping the adoptive parents’ role or being unfair or cruel to them.

Reunion is not all about the adoptive parents, and they should not be the main focus. It is most likely that she knows that reunion may pose some uncomfortable times for the adoptive parents. She is probably quite sensitive to their feelings. The last thing she needs is for her friends and... more

Could it be that the time to judge a woman's motives for relinquishing a child should be BEFORE she follows through? Would it benefit a pregnant women in crisis to somehow try to reach her and help her understand the gravity of permanently severing her maternal ties to her child?

I do understand how other women react in horror upon hearing that a woman is a birth mother, and gave her own flesh and blood away. However, I guess I wish other women would try to hit home that message before a woman loses a child to adoption. Not all women can be helped - I know that.

Let... more

Do people think giving up a baby that you carried and nurtured for nine months and then gave birth to is a despicable act? An act that only a woman who is cold, unfeeling and uncaring could possibly do? Do they believe that a woman who would even consider relinquishing her child is unworthy to parent?

I know that some people believe that relinquishing a child to adoption is a brave, noble and unselfish act. That is not a message that I care to promote though, even if sometimes it may be the case. That message is already vocalized often for me.

Either way, mixed... more

The lack of medical history or genetic information is often times an issue for the adoptee. A visit to the doctors office can be an eye opener that the adoptee differs from those who were not adopted. When the doctor asks for medical history the adoptee may feel very uncomfortable.

The feelings of the need for genetic information may be intensified when the adoptee is getting married or becomes a parent. The adoptee has questions about the child will or have produced such as will the child inherit any genetic disorders. Sadly, the fear of the unknown has kept some... more

As a teenager the hardest thing I think that is done is establishing an identity. This is whether the teenager is adopted or not they are dealing with questions or Who Am I? Where do I fit in? What do I want to do with my life? However, when the teenager is adopted the search for personal identity is complicated because of the mystery and in today’s’ world still secrecy. They may wonder about their physical characteristics and may have questions that the adoptive parents can’t answer. For example, they may be wanting to know where they got a specific talent? Was everyone... more

Do you ever have flashes of revelations sometimes AFTER you write an article or blog posting? I know that I sometimes do. One flash came recently after I posted a piece called, "What not to Say to a Reunited Birth Mom".

I realized that some of the thoughts that people express to birth moms may not really be that off target. However, that does not mean that they are appropriate to say to a birth mom. It simply means that I understand and appreciate how some of those... more

I was the type of person that I was able to work though my adoption feelings and issues on my own with the support of friends and family. However, there are some who feel they need to seek professional help to deal with the variety of emotions they feel about being adopted. The fear of loss or abandonment can be intense for some adoptees. It was for me for a long time and I felt as if it happened once when I was born, it can happen again. It took me a long time to work through this and fine a comfortable place. There are still times that I fear that those who I am... more

Being adopted is a life long issue. It effects every aspect of your life whether you realize it or not. You may have a job and a family and a good self image but the fact that the family you grew up in is not the family whose genetics you share never goes away and doesn’t change. Some adoptees may be in denial and some find an uneasy peace with the situation and some outreach to support groups, and some search for and find their natural families.

When adopters finally have a child and the adoption is finalized their may concern is the immediate needs of the child.... more

1. Disrupted attachment of feelings of disconnectedness (especially in delayed adoptions). With infant adoptions there is a sense of ambiguous attachment, a tenuous sense of attachment. Even if loved, an adoptee may feel like they don't fit in or belong in the family.

2. Splitting of good/bad self and good/bad objects. Around 8-11 years of age, adoptees have trouble integrating nurturing punitive parts of self and parents. They may switch the fantasy back and forth. Birthparents are rejecting parents as nurturing and vice versa. Black and white thinking can become... more