“Woe is me” – hmmmm, I have to say the whole birth mother experience does scream “victim” in many ways. It is not nearly as simple as a woman walking into an agency and saying, "Here, take my baby, I do not want it." That is not what generally happens. Women resort to adoption from a place of desperation, not because it is what they want. It is a great deal more complicated than merely saying that they "want" and "choose" adoption.

When a woman is tricked, pressured, shamed and lied to in order to get her baby,(as is sometimes the case) the word... more

The final blog in this series is about how the seven core issues in adoption affect the adoptive parents.

The first is loss and adoptive parents equate infertility with the loss of self and immortality. The adoptive parents may have issues of entitlement which can lead to the fear of loss of the child and overprotection.

The second is rejection. Some adoptive parents may fear being ostracized because of procreation difficulties. They may use their partner as a scapegoat and expect rejection. Some may expel adoptee to avoid anticipated... more

Guilt is a word that can invoke in us the deepest, most terrible feelings of loss, horror, anger, and helplessness. Why did I do what I did? Why couldn't I have done more? Did I not do enough? Did I do too much? Did I do everything I could? Did I wait too long? If only I had not had unprotected sex. If only I had realized the consequences. If only I had waited longer. If only I had more money. If only I had listened to my parents. If only I had known more at the time. If only I had listened to my gut feelings. These are just... more

Powerlessness and control

For many adoptees, it is easy to fall into despair and feel powerless over circumstances that emotionally healthy people can overcome with relative ease. This is rooted in our separation experience, when we felt powerless, helpless and hopeless. Paradoxically, we can become obsessed with controlling other parts of our lives, those things and events that we can control. This is conflict waiting to happen.

Depression

Often, depression can come from the sheer exhaustion of maintaining pretense... more

As I mulled over how to respond to Sandra's challenging email, I decided that I obviously was a annoying thorn in her side. She had visions of less children being adopted because of my views and that made her angry.

I am speculating here, but, I also think that she saw some truth and reason in some of my writings, and due to that she could not just dismiss me. Although she wanted to just ignore me, she saw a glimmer of some commonality between us. I suppose that might also be why I made a kind comment to her as well.

The initial response that... more

I have read conflicting articles and documents about what and when to tell their child about their adoption. Some advise to introduce the work “adoption” as early as possible and between the ages of 2 and 4 that he or she is adopted. Some say that if the adoption was before the age of 2 and are of the same race as the parents there is nothing to be gained by telling the child about their adoption until they are at least 4 or 5 years old because they will hear the words but not understand the concept.

Dr. Steven Nickman, author of the article "Losses... more

Back in my corner, to discuss the verbal sparring matches between me and Sandra Hanks Benoiton (Older Adoptive Mom and International Adoptive Mom Blogger.) To catch up, read Sandra latest blog on the subject.

I have to admit, I was somewhat surprised when Sandra had such a dramatic negative reaction to my comment which she described as "touching". After I received her email back after making my comment, I was kicking myself for making the comment and feeling that maybe... more

If an older child is adopted these stages of development may have been interrupted. I think that it can be overcome by parents who let their child know that you care and that you will always be there. The importance of loving interaction can help that trust be built between the child and the parents and be very important.

If adopting internationally, the attachment behavior in that culture may be different. Someone recently told me that the child they adopted who was of Asian decent was not comfortable being held when crying. She would quiet down... more

You may be reading this blog because you have adopted a child and life is settling down and you may be thing about the future. You may have questions like When do I tell my child that he or she is adopted? How will he or she feel about adoption? When do I give him or her more information? What will he or she want to know from me? How can I help my child feel comfortable about adoption? As hopeful perspective adoptive parents, I know that my husband and I have some of these very questions. I have given great thought to them and being adopted myself I thought... more

As a child, and knowing you were adopted you don’t have the ability of rational and logical thinking. You may have unconsciously taken the experience of being relinquished to adoption as personal and felt the emotional currents of society at the time which could have ranged from fear, worry, frustration, fear, anger, pain, shame, etc. One develops its emotional and behavioral defenses in reaction to the emotional pain that was experienced.

For me, for a long time it was easier to show my love to my dog than it was humans. It took me a long... more