This has been one heck of a week for adoption reunions. As you many of you know, I help folks search for their loved ones lost through adoption. There are days, weeks, and even months that go by that matches take place or a search is completed.

Today, I received an email from an adoptee registered with PARR and she said that her adoptive mother had died and in the important papers she found her birth parents names. Over a period of time, she had tracked them down and knew when her birth mother married, and divorced. I called the adoptee and suggested that she obtain a copy... more

Farmer Boy, as some of us lovingly refer to our friend, is the first adoptee that I really had a chance to know well. I met him at the local CUB support group at one of my very first meetings. He had searched for and found his birth mom and was just entering reunion when we met. Let’s call him “Fred” just so that I do not have to keep calling him “Farmer Boy” throughout this post!

Fred was struggling and in therapy when I first met him, and in a very difficult frame of mind. Unlike many adoptees,... more

After receiving a few comments on a previous blog titled Stages of Reunion, I thought maybe I should write a little more on this.

First, the parties involved don’t always have to be a birth mother and adoptee. I do believe that these stages can take place no matter who the triad members are involved. It can be amongst siblings, or a birth father and an adoptee, or birth grandparents and an adoptee.

The second point that I think is important to make is that there are no defined time... more

Reunion is a journey that is emotionally draining on all triad members. The grief and loss that was never really dealt with by the birth mother surfaces because a lot of the birth mothers I know from the closed adoption era made every attempt to “forget about it and move on” We know that birth parents didn’t forget and although they have gone through the motions of moving on, that isn’t dealing with the grief and loss. This combined with the insecurities of the adoptee that was lost but now found. One issue I know I haven’t touched on yet is shock. This can play... more

“The only reminder one woman has of her birth parents is a medallion of the Virgin Mary that was attached to her diaper when she was presented from a home for unwed mothers to her adoptive parents.”

Recently, I received a link for a very interesting reunion story in a Kansas City newspaper. The story sounded very familiar to me. A woman named Dodie Jacobi had been given a medallion by her adoptive mom when she was 18 years old. For many years she worn the medallion around her neck. It reminded her of her adoption. When she finally decided that she wanted to find her birth... more

But I would not give you false hope On this strange and mournful day But the mother and child reunion Is only a motion away

Paul Simon

There is always a great deal of discussion about preparing for the worst case scenario at the end of a search. However, I would like to talk about the best case ending after a search. I believe in most cases that would be finding a willing and eager family member who wants contact. In cautioning searchers about the worst case outcomes, I feel that sometimes we overlook the best possible outcomes. Therefore,... more

There is no perfect reunion or perfect scenario. Along with reunion comes issues that need to be dealt with individually and together. The definition of reunion is two people who are related but are relative strangers. Like in any relationship this relationship is going to take time, energy, and effort. It is a lot of work, it takes a lot of energy and concentration. With that said, I have taken a list of things that I have learned in my own reunion with my sister as well as others who have been in reunion and have listed some do’s and don’ts.

DO be honest. No more... more

Adoptees arguably have a hereditary advantage: they are often the offspring of highly principled women. Think about it. Women who surrender their children to adoption have made two physically and emotionally strenuous decisions: to carry their babies to term and to give those babies away. Neither is easy, and doing the first makes the second all the more difficult. Maybe it's no wonder that McDaniels, who says his adoptive parents gave him the opportunities to become the man he is, turned out to have the resilience and ingenuity he has shown in... more

One of my recent posts discussed possible fears that adoptees might have about searching. While I believe that it is wise to examine one’s fears before a search, I do not want to discourage anyone from searching. Therefore, I want to talk about some of the joys of reunion as well.

I am a staunch advocate for search and reunions and I need to make that clear. Guess, considering that I am even doing this blog, it might be obvious though! Even though I have seen good and bad reunions, no one that I know regrets their search. I am certain that there are a few rare exceptions.... more