One of the first gifts my son gave me was a framed photo taken of him during a triathalon in Chicago that he had done. On the card that came with it, he said, "...I couldn't have done it without your healthy genes." The triathalon included three events, swimming, running and biking. I used to be a runner and still bike – both sports that my son has done as well. I try hard to stay fit as my son does too.

As my son and I were chatting one night on the phone, I commented on the fact that I do not have a musical bone in my body. I do not sing well, can not carry a tune... more

Children of adoption have two mothers. I repeat that statement often. At times I wonder if I am trying to convince myself or others of that fact. Originally, I probably was trying to get that fact to register in my own mind. Now, I believe it with all my heart. I also firmly believe that knowing both moms can be positive for an adopted person in most cases. Even if an adoption is a closed one, and children never meet or learn much about the mother who gave birth to them, she is still one of their mothers.

The son that I gave birth to, who became a child of adoption,... more

Have you ever wondered why an adoptee may not want contact with his or her natural mother? This is something that can happen even if the adoptee is searching. The adoptee may be afraid of what the natural mother is going to say or what will happen. As many adoptees do, he or she could have built up expectations and is afraid that the first phone call or meeting won’t live up to what he or she is hoping for. The adoptee may also be afraid of hurting his mother and father that have raised him for the last X number of years.

Some adoptees do not want to disrupt their... more

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I recall reading a post some time ago on "What Not to Say to an Adoptive Parent". It inspired this post.

1. That's wonderful that you are reunited and everything worked out fine.

Reunion does not magically "fix" the past or the future. It is a mistake to assume that just because one is reunited means that "everything worked out fine." Reunion is a wonderful experience, but, nothing makes up for all the years apart. Some adoptees and birth parents would not agree that everything worked out that great.

2. What about your(or your child's) adoptive family?... more

For birth parents, adoption reunion often brings back renewed feelings of guilt about the decision to place their child for adoption. Memories of that time can come flooding back – the sense of isolation and possibly blame experienced at the same time. There will also be memories of the other birth parent. Feelings which were suppressed can be opened up and birth mother may re-experience crying and the grief of the separation from their child. If the adoptee appears happy and content, the reunion can bring some relief and consolation. However, if it appears that... more

There are many, many factors that will influence the possibility of a reunion happening, and when it happens. These factors also influence the smoothness, intensity, or character of adoption reunion experiences and relationships after reunion. Although it is impossible to list all of them, as each situation is quite unique, there are some factors that stand out as being significant.

If both adopted adult and birth parent are ready and eager to get to know each other, contact with one another can be easier. This usually means that both parties have done a lot of... more

One of the first thoughts that runs through an adoptee's mind after they begin a search is "Will my birth mother want to be found? My friend Mary was no exception.

We met during an adoption related event a few years ago. There was ample time to talk and get to know one another both at pre-event meetings and on the day of the event. As we chatted, I discovered that Mary was an adoptee considering a search for her birth mother.

At that time, Mary was in her late 40’s. Being the passionate lover of search and reunion that I am, I offered her all the encouragement... more

This post is a continuation of Part 1 about facilitating reunions with adolescents.

I know several birth mothers who have had reunions with teens, and all have resulted proceeded fairly smoothly and resulted in long term relationships. Therefore, my view of reunions with adolescents has been formed by their experiences and my own common sense and knowledge of dealing with teens – the two children that I raised.

Believe me, I am not saying that their reconnections... more

The journey was somewhat rocky in the beginning of Fred's reunion. See part 1 for details. To recap, it took his birth mother an entire year to finally summon up the courage to respond to his initial letter.

The year of waiting was not an easy one for Fred. However, he was fortunate to have a great deal of support during that year and contact with both adoptees and birth parents. Even so, he never gave up and I greatly admired his courage to continue to hope.

Back to his... more

I introduced you in a previous post to my good friend Fred, aka Farmer Boy. Fred is the first adoptee that I really had the opportunity to know well. As I may have mentioned in my previous post, Fred was over 40 years old before he began his search.

He was fortunate to be connected with others in the adoption community who were able to give him some good direction in his searching. He carefully put together the pieces of his puzzle, and finally found his birth mom’s name. One of the essential bits of information that cracked his search was a detail on hospital records that... more