9. Another really important way to support a birth mom in reunion is to allow her to grieve. If she has not done much or any healing prior to reunion, she may need to grieve, be sad and cry a great deal. While it is appropriate to encourage her to get therapy and find support groups, let her be sad and cry around you if she needs to. Sometimes she may need or want no words, but, just need a hug.

My husband is a very caring and nurturing person and whenever I cried or was sad in early reunion, at first he wanted to “fix it” for me. He always... more

D. knew all the "right" ways to discreetly contact a potential birth parent. However, her brain turned off when the woman that she was speaking to asked what she REALLY wanted. She burst into tears, and then blurted out that she was adopted and had reason to believe that the woman's husband might be her father.

The man's wife was very kind and spoke with D. a few minutes more. She inquired as to whether or not D. had a good life. The she said that her husband would probably call D. later that night. He did!

The best that D. could hope for was that this... more

Several years ago I read a short story and what impressed me the most were the words to one sentence “A heart filled with anger has no room for love!” After pondering this sentence I realized my own anger and sorrow were taking my life for several years after finding my birth mother deceased. I couldn’t change the events of the past, but letting go of the emotions that had paralyzed and disempowered me for so long, I could be free to truly begin living life again instead of going through the motions. No matter what our troubles are, if we can put them aside for a moment, focus on... more

The answer to this will depend on what you hoped to get out of it. Most people however will say that they are glad they did it. There is a whole spectrum of eventual relationships - from those where a close emotional bond develops, to those where people are disappointed and disillusioned by what they find, and the large range in the middle where there are ups and downs. It may take some time before you feel able to evaluate what is has meant. People often talk of needing about two years to get through all the stages of adjustment to this new relationship with each other.... more

About a week ago, an on-line adoptee friend of mine (let's call her D.) emailed me and asked for a favor. She had decided to find her birth dad and asked me if I'd make the initial call if she found him. Several years ago, she found her birth mom and had gotten her birth dad's name from her. D. decided only recently that she was ready to search for her birth dad. The fact that Father's Day was looming was part of the reason compelling her to try now. She was looking only in the state her birth mom and father were living in when she was conceived.... more

When a mother discovers a child at reunion whose life has been scarred by abuse or dysfunction, it does not necessarily mean that her decision was "wrong". She could certainly draw that conclusion and feel tremendous guilt. It could mean that her child was unlucky to have been given abusive adoptive parents. However, had she raised her child, who can say that the child might not still have had an unhappy, difficult life. She can never know.

The type of adoptive family that a child is raised within is the luck of the draw. Some children "win" and others lose. Adoptive families are... more

Writing about reunion and healing presents some challenges for me for a number of reasons. There can be no one on the planet who is a stronger advocate for reunion. I highly recommend searching for nearly anyone who considers it. However, I also want people to have a balanced and realistic idea of reunion as well, and know that it can only accomplish so much.

I want people to know that reunion can be one of the most life altering and powerful experiences on earth. It is important to me that people understand that reunion has tremendous possibilities to heal and provide some peace... more

You have made the decision to meet. Now, you are probably at the worrying stage; both of you most likely are some stressed out. The good news is your child or birth family member probably does not care if you are heavy, thin, pretty, ugly, etc. In fact, if you are already exchanged photographs, they probably already have an idea. Hmmm, that is assuming you did not send pictures of yourself taken 20 years ago and pretend that is how you still look. You wouldn't do that though - would you?

For birth parents, if you saw your child at all after birth, the last glimpse... more

The relationships that result from a reunion may be more complicated in some ways, but, they are as varied as any other relationship. Some adoptees speak to their birth moms daily; others may talk less often. Visits between adoptees and birth families are more frequent for some parties than others.

Not only does proximity to each other affect the frequency of visits, but other facts do as well. Some reunion relationships fare better than others. The frequency of contact may not be an adequate indicator of how good a relationship the two parties have. Some people crave more contact... more

In a previous post, I spoke about some of the fears that adoptive parents may face at reunion. They range from fear of losing their child to the birth family to worrying that the birth family may hurt their child in some way. Some of the fears that adoptive parents have about reunion may be reality based, others less so. Nevertheless, these fears are real and valid to those who feel them.

The fear of losing their child at reunion is not a realistic one, in my opinion. It is rare that at reunion a child decides to discontinue contact with an adoptive family. What is more... more