Triad members are often amazed at the similarities that they share between them or the opposite can happen where they are very different with little common ground. The adoptee may physically resemble the natural parent. This can be something that is very important to the adoptee. Often times this is the first family connection that they meet that has a physical resemblance.

All involved in reunion bring with them their own personal fantasies about the other person and expectations. The reunion can go better than expected or... more

When a mother discovers a child at reunion whose life has been scarred by abuse or dysfunction, it does not necessarily mean that her decision was "wrong". She could certainly draw that conclusion and feel tremendous guilt. It could mean that her child was unlucky to have been given abusive adoptive parents. However, had she raised her child, who can say that the child might not still have had an unhappy, difficult life. She can never know.

The type of adoptive family that a child is raised within is the luck of the draw. Some children "win" and others lose. Adoptive families are... more

As some of you may or may not know, I used to co-write the advice column at Adoption.com. Even though I have not written the column for some time, I still occasionally get emails from triad members who find my email address in the archived articles.

Many of these emails come from birth moms in new reunions. It is a challenging time for them, and most have little understanding of the whole reunion process. Early reunion was certainly a thoroughly confusing time for me.

I have written about how confusing reunion was for me and how many conflicting feelings that I had. Early reunion... more

Many who search sometimes wait until after their adoptive parents are deceased. Some adoptees may feel that even though his or her adoptive parents are deceased they still have to deal with the fear of disgracing their memory as if searching would make a statement against them.

I was only 21 when I initiated my search. When I learned that my natural mother was 29 at the time of my birth I pushed way the idea that she might be deceased. After all, when I started my search she was only 51. When I learned my natural mother was deceased at the age of 52... more

For me, searching was the most incredible journey. Even though I found a grave, I don’t regret doing it. My search was for a truth not for a relationship. I didn’t realize how much I wanted a relationship until after my search was completed.

Your adoptive parents can also be a huge help. They may give you everything they have on the adoption. They may not even realize how much they have. They may follow and support you through your search and to the end.

Adoptees grow during their search. At that begging they may feel appalled at the bureaucratic... more

Natural mothers also have expectations, hopes, fantasies, and fears. A natural mother may think that it is possible for the child they relinquished to adoption may search. Some natural mothers have said that they didn’t fantasize about it though because they were too traumatized by the whole event and afraid to disrupt that the life of the person that they relinquished to adoption several years before.

Some natural parents fantasize about the child they relinquished to adoption wondering who she is, how she is, and what she looks like. Some may even like to... more

There were days during my search that I hoped to find a loving, enormously competent and supremely happy woman whose life was missing only one thing: ME! There were days that I was terrified of the woman I would find. I feared the possibility that she wouldn’t care or even really remember me.

Some adoptee who search have a fear that may have held them back. The fear is that the adoptee would keep trying to find his or her natural mother, all the time getting more and more opened to the need to see her and talk to her, but never manage to find her. The reality... more

Expectations, we all have them. In fact I think expectations are so natural that it is almost like breathing. However, what does it mean when someone who is searching says that they don't have any expectations? Is it that they don't have any positive expectations? Or are they trying to block out everything in thier mind? If we say that we don't have any expectations are we really saying that we expect nothing?

Expectations fill our days sometimes consciously and sometimes not. Many of our expectations are like driving to work after you have done it for years. ... more

Before you begin to search and/or as you are searching, it would be very wise to consider the possible outcomes. Then, try to determine if you are prepared for whatever you might find. Easier said than done, of course! Although you may prepare yourself extensively, some outcomes inevitably may still be quite difficult to accept emotionally. However, you will be better prepared if you have at least considered some of the possible outcomes.

The end of a search can run the gamut. Here are some possibilities.

You may find that:

1) The person you were searching for is no longer living. If this turns out to be the case, there are sometimes other family members or close... more