I immediately wanted to search for the woman who gave birth to me and in a short period of time I become disinterested in events that I had worked on and looked forward to. My adoptive mom, in her own grief over the loss of her mother would not hear of me missing out on any of these things. She gave me the ability to try and see things in the face of adversity.

It was after I found my birth mother that I realized there are too many treasures in life we take for granted, the worth of which we don’t fully realize until they are pointed out to us in some unexpected... more

Adoptive families can often feel left out of the search and reunion process. This can stir up a number of feelings, including a fear of losing the child they raised and loved. For many adoptees, these are important relationships that they do not want to jeopardize. Reassuring their adoptive families, including them and being open and honest can often help them feel comfortable with the reunion.

Adoptive families may not be supportive in the adoptees search because they may feel they have not been a good enough family. They may fear rejection by the... more

When a mother discovers a child at reunion whose life has been scarred by abuse or dysfunction, it does not necessarily mean that her decision was "wrong". She could certainly draw that conclusion and feel tremendous guilt. It could mean that her child was unlucky to have been given abusive adoptive parents. However, had she raised her child, who can say that the child might not still have had an unhappy, difficult life. She can never know.

The type of adoptive family that a child is raised within is the luck of the draw. Some children "win" and others lose. Adoptive families are... more

You may be asking yourself and wondering, “Am I ready to search for my natural family?” Keep in mind that searching is about finding out the truth about your self. It is NOT about relationships, although most people hope to be able to have some type of relationship with their birth family. The majority of the people who search do indeed have some contact with the other person or family. A lot have wonderful relationships and others might only talk one time.

All relationships need maturity, mutual respect, acceptance, forgiveness, and unconditional love, but... more

Asking yourself what you hope to find when you make contact will help you focus your thinking. Exploring ideas of what the other person may be thinking and feeling will help you to develop empathy.

Meeting other birth parents – but not your own birth parents – can help you feel the range of feelings and adjust to different scenarios. Meeting other people from your own past, such as an agency social worker or former foster parent will help you connect with the feeling of meeting someone who really cared for you and thinks about you from time to time.

Before... more

These instructions can help adoptees find their birth name, using their amended birth certificate -- but only if the adoptee is born within the five boroughs of New York City.

1. On your amended birth certificate, find the number in the upper right hand corner. It should look something like this: 146-67-105231 2. Take the third group of numbers -- in the sample number, 105231. Remove the first number from this group. The number you now have is 05231. This is the number that corresponds with your original birth record in the Birth Index for the City of New York.... more

Few natural fathers search and find. Those that have found often times find that their child is secure, mature and happy. That is some of the things that they would have wanted for their child. Some natural fathers feel that the adoptive parents did much better than what they or the natural mother cold have done considering the stages of life they were in at the time of their child’s birth. Many natural fathers were faced with the question of financial stability and the potential as a couple faced with an unexpected pregnancy, little money and unsure of their ability to... more

As some of you may or may not know, I used to co-write the advice column at Adoption.com. Even though I have not written the column for some time, I still occasionally get emails from triad members who find my email address in the archived articles.

Many of these emails come from birth moms in new reunions. It is a challenging time for them, and most have little understanding of the whole reunion process. Early reunion was certainly a thoroughly confusing time for me.

I have written about how confusing reunion was for me and how many conflicting feelings that I had. Early reunion... more

Many who search sometimes wait until after their adoptive parents are deceased. Some adoptees may feel that even though his or her adoptive parents are deceased they still have to deal with the fear of disgracing their memory as if searching would make a statement against them.

I was only 21 when I initiated my search. When I learned that my natural mother was 29 at the time of my birth I pushed way the idea that she might be deceased. After all, when I started my search she was only 51. When I learned my natural mother was deceased at the age of 52... more

For me, searching was the most incredible journey. Even though I found a grave, I don’t regret doing it. My search was for a truth not for a relationship. I didn’t realize how much I wanted a relationship until after my search was completed.

Your adoptive parents can also be a huge help. They may give you everything they have on the adoption. They may not even realize how much they have. They may follow and support you through your search and to the end.

Adoptees grow during their search. At that begging they may feel appalled at the bureaucratic... more