Courage.

Nobody can completely hide or run from their past. In most cases, mothers who put their children up for adoption have been rejected by their families because they became pregnant as teenagers, the relationships they became involved turned sour for a variety of reasons (including physical or mental abuse, alcohol and/or drug abuse, abandonment, grave financial or emotional problems, or family bigotry). Society once had many unfortunate customs which contributed to this climate.. Some "reunions" are very happy, others can open up terrible wounds and have... more

I thought it might be helpful to discuss some of the particulars of searching here in California as I know that many are searching within the state.

However, I will say that for a couple of reasons California is an easier state to search in than many other states. The chief reason that I believe that California is searcher friendly is that we have “birth indexes”. The birth index lists all births in the state since I believe as far back as 1900 (don’t quote me on that though). The birth index lists dates that babies were born, the county they were born... more

Read Part 1 and Part 2. As the concert was ending, the last piece was the rousing and enthusiastic 1812 Overture. It is a very popular musical piece in the U.S. during patriotic events, and even those who may not enjoy classical music usually like the 1812 Overture. It is one of those pieces of classical music that you probably recognize even if you do not know its name.

At just the right times toward the end of the piece,... more

As immersed in all things adoption as I generally am, I have mentioned that I sometimes have to force myself to take a rest from the subject. Last Friday night my husband and I set off for a concert at the local arboretum.

I was wavering about whether I wanted to go or not, but, finally decided that it would be a great way to relax and not think about anything heavy. Adoption is a heavy topic for me in case anyone has missed that! An outdoor concert in the park sounded pretty inviting.

Although my husband enjoys classical music, he does not like the stuffy concert... more

In my life and in my writing about adoption, I am nearly always acutely aware of the need to stay balanced. Balance is so necessary in so many areas of our lives.

In my day-to-day life, it nearly always catches up with me when I lose my sense of balance. When I eat too much, I notice. So does my waistline! If I exercise too seldom I notice. When I sit at the computer too long, I notice. My hands hurt, I get stiff and realize that I am getting old! (Getting old? Nah, I am already there.) If I get too little sleep, yep, it is pretty obvious. Too much... more

What are yours intentions? In the excitement and drive to satisfy a burning need with in you, it is easy to lose sight of the feelings and needs of the other person; yet it is very important that you consider the other person. Your needs and expectations may be very similar or very different than theirs. Some may see the reunion as an opportunity to establish a deep relationship, others may simply want to exchange information, find out how the other person is doing, and connect once or twice a year. Being up front with each other is very important. You may also want to remind... more

I also feel it is important to be honest with the adoptive parents. A good opening line in discussing search and reunion with adoptive parents could be, “Do you remember when I asked you about my birth family? Well I’m getting more information. Do you want me to tell you what happens or would you rather not know?” Some adoptive parents may very quickly change the subject in response to this choice which gives the adoptee a very clear message that they don’t’ want to know. Although this may be a relief, it could also be a disappointment. However, the adoptee may be surprised... more

For a birth parent searching, once you believe that you have a name, sometimes religious records and/or newspaper birth announcements may be useful in a search. You may know the religion in which an adoptee is raised. Birth parents sometimes request that their child be raised in a certain religion. Their wishes in this regard are not always honored, but, they are sometimes. With a name and religion for a child, it is sometimes possible to locate the nearest church or synagogue that the child may have attended.

You may be obtain to obtain christening, baptismal or other... more

Birth mothers who continue to maintain the secret are not given the opportunity to grieve. Birth mothers have often times lost their first child, her family has lost a family member, but yet, like miscarriage, is not publicly acknowledged. There is no newspaper announcement, no funeral, and no grave to visit. Grieving and acknowledging a death is accepted in society, however birth mothers pursue an alternative path of grieving since society generally did not accept unwed mothers. Search and reunion, no matter the results, can create healing. Finally one is able to say... more

One thing triad members have in common is secrecy. This has stopped them from interacting with others in an open and comfortable way. Although society may have changed when it comes to search, some adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents continue to have a difficult time talking about "adoption". They still feel the strength of the secret of the adoption and the risks of telling.

Consider the view society had at the time the secret began when appreciating the risk that the birth parent holding that secret might feel by exposing the secret. A birth parent who... more