Some adoptive parents may discuss once and never bring the subject up again. This can leave the adoptee feeling or with the impression that it is too painful, frightening or threatening to the adoptive parents to deal with the possibility of the adoptee finding their natural parents. This can further stimulate guilt around having the need to find the woman who gave you life.

Some adoptees wait until their search is complete to discuss with their search with their adoptive parents. Another suggestion in opening the discussion is to share a letter which... more

There are some adoptees who are not comfortable or haven’t discussed their search or their relationship with their natural mother with their adoptive parents.

The feelings of search can be “full time” with no stopping and starting. Some adoptees may feel guilty and don’t want to hurt their adoptive parents but the guilt from waiting to tell the adoptive parents can be greater. The need for your adoptive parents support and the need to know how the adoptive parents feel can be very strong for the adoptee.

One way to open the discussion is to write... more

I believed that growing up in another family, my son would be like "them" (his adoptive family, not like me or his birth dad). I believed that nurture would outweigh nature. As long as they loved and took good care of him, I thought that all would be well. In some ways, it has been. My son has had a good life, and so have I, mostly.

Nevertheless, I have discovered that adoption is not a experience that you never "get over" or heal from completely. It becomes a part of the fabric of your soul - a part of you. It is not “natural” to take a piece of your self, your own... more

Expectations, we all have them. In fact I think expectations are so natural that it is almost like breathing. However, what does it mean when someone who is searching says that they don't have any expectations? Is it that they don't have any positive expectations? Or are they trying to block out everything in thier mind? If we say that we don't have any expectations are we really saying that we expect nothing?

Expectations fill our days sometimes consciously and sometimes not. Many of our expectations are like driving to work after you have done it for years. ... more

But I would not give you false hope On this strange and mournful day But the mother and child reunion Is only a motion away

Paul Simon

There is always a great deal of discussion about preparing for the worst case scenario at the end of a search. However, I would like to talk about the best case ending after a search. I believe in most cases that would be finding a willing and eager family member who wants contact. In cautioning searchers about the worst case outcomes, I feel that sometimes we overlook the best possible outcomes. Therefore,... more

Before beginning a search, or as you proceed through the process, it is a good idea to consider all the possible outcomes. Try to determine if you are prepared for whatever you might find. Easier said than done, I know!

Although you may prepare yourself extensively, it is inevitable that some results may still be quite difficult to accept emotionally. However, it is better at least to consider the outcomes.

The end of a search can run the gamut. Here are some possibilities.

You may find that:

1) The person you were searching for is no longer... more