Change comes slowly in adoption, but attitudes about certain issues do eventually take some positive turns. How adoptive parents feel about their children searching is one of those issues where a positive change in direction has definitely occurred over the years.

In the past, not too many adoptive parents seemed to support the idea of their children searching. In fact, I would venture to say that ten to twenty years ago, few adoptive parents would have supported their child's desire to search. Virtually no one supported searches a few decades ago, with... more

Some adoptive parents are heard to say, "What about me?" at reunion. Reunion is not about adoptive parents. It is not for their benefit, nor are they the main characters in a reunion. During a reunion, they play a minor role. I believe that it is crucial for adoptive parents to understand and accept that reunion is not a time for them to be center of attention. Most adoptive parents understand this. Want to give your child a priceless gift at reunion? Unless asked to participate, stand back and let the reunion develop between your child and their... more

There are so many trite comments one could make about what to expect in an adoption reunion - "Expect the unexpected," is one that I particularly believe is appropriate. Reunions are as varied as the two parties involved in them.

Each party comes to reunion with their own personality, issues and expectations. Rarely are both parties on exactly the same page. In fact, in the beginning of reunion, it is often quite difficult to figure out exactly how the other party does see the relationship.

Many complex elements are involved in an adoption... more

Ever spoken to an adoptee who is searching? You might be surprised at how some people treat them. Although some social workers or clerks are very sympathetic and helpful, many people who have access to adoption records are are not known for being particularly kind.

Some of the remarks that I have heard that adoptees receive are extremely sad. Several adoptees have told me that when they went to the adoption agency that handled their adoption they were told to come back later - when they were older. A few adoptees have told me that they went back... more

As an adoptive mom - I'd love to also hear what we can do to encourage our children to search if they'd like to. And how we can be supportive of that process (help, sounding board, etc).

The best way that an adoptive mom can encourage their child to search if they decide someday that they want to is let them know that: 1) If they decide to search that you will support them; 2) Searching is entirely normal; 3) You understand their need to search; 4) You will still love them... more

Support them, that's what you do if your child wants to search. Finally, I have a simple, straight forward response for a question! If your child - adult or minor - wants to search, provide all the support and encouragement that you can muster. If the thought of your adopted child searching strikes terror in your heart, keep in mind that it probably hits your child that way too. They will need your support maybe more than any other time in their life.

Wimpy, insecure people rarely search. The whole thought of facing possible rejection is... more

Many who search sometimes wait until after their adoptive parents are deceased. Some adoptees may feel that even though his or her adoptive parents are deceased they still have to deal with the fear of disgracing their memory as if searching would make a statement against them.

I was only 21 when I initiated my search. When I learned that my natural mother was 29 at the time of my birth I pushed way the idea that she might be deceased. After all, when I started my search she was only 51. When I learned my natural mother was deceased at the age of 52... more

For me, searching was the most incredible journey. Even though I found a grave, I don’t regret doing it. My search was for a truth not for a relationship. I didn’t realize how much I wanted a relationship until after my search was completed.

Your adoptive parents can also be a huge help. They may give you everything they have on the adoption. They may not even realize how much they have. They may follow and support you through your search and to the end.

Adoptees grow during their search. At that begging they may feel appalled at the bureaucratic... more

Natural mothers also have expectations, hopes, fantasies, and fears. A natural mother may think that it is possible for the child they relinquished to adoption may search. Some natural mothers have said that they didn’t fantasize about it though because they were too traumatized by the whole event and afraid to disrupt that the life of the person that they relinquished to adoption several years before.

Some natural parents fantasize about the child they relinquished to adoption wondering who she is, how she is, and what she looks like. Some may even like to... more

There were days during my search that I hoped to find a loving, enormously competent and supremely happy woman whose life was missing only one thing: ME! There were days that I was terrified of the woman I would find. I feared the possibility that she wouldn’t care or even really remember me.

Some adoptee who search have a fear that may have held them back. The fear is that the adoptee would keep trying to find his or her natural mother, all the time getting more and more opened to the need to see her and talk to her, but never manage to find her. The reality... more