As an adoptive mom - I'd love to also hear what we can do to encourage our children to search if they'd like to. And how we can be supportive of that process (help, sounding board, etc).

The best way that an adoptive mom can encourage their child to search if they decide someday that they want to is let them know that: 1) If they decide to search that you will support them; 2) Searching is entirely normal; 3) You understand their need to search; 4) You will still love them... more

If your child is very young and expresses a need for their birth family, how to handle the situation is more complicated. However, to summarily ignore their desires even at a young age is showing them that their feelings are wrong and do not matter.

When extremely young children talk about wanting to meet birth family, you may not necessarily need to search or attempt a reunion. (Opening a closed adoption is a distinct possibility and a blog post about that subject is coming up in my first parent blog.)However, before proceeding, you need... more

Support them, that's what you do if your child wants to search. Finally, I have a simple, straight forward response for a question! If your child - adult or minor - wants to search, provide all the support and encouragement that you can muster. If the thought of your adopted child searching strikes terror in your heart, keep in mind that it probably hits your child that way too. They will need your support maybe more than any other time in their life.

Wimpy, insecure people rarely search. The whole thought of facing possible rejection is... more

What do you do? Adoptive parents react to the news that their child is considering a search in a myriad of ways. The ways to respond to the news of a search can vary tremendously. Many factors influence how parents react. Here are a few of those factors:

1) The strength of their relationship with their child. 2) Whether or not they are relaxed and open people. 3) Their personalities in general. 4) Their views on birth parents.

Many thoughts start churning through adoptive parents' heads once they hear about... more

Just as there are many reasons for a birth parent to want to undertake a search, there are also a wide of motivating factors for adoptees to search. In my discussions with adoptees, I have never heard one person express the thought that their search indicates any lack of love and affection for their birth parents.

If fact, even adoptees whose upbringing in their adoptive families has been hellacious still do not want to hurt them. They may occasionally search for another family that treats them better, is more like them or understands them better.

However,... more

For an adopted child to search, even as an adult, it takes enormous courage. In many stories about adoption searches, adoptees express the fear of hurting their adoptive parents. Many adoptees worry that it might appear ungrateful for them to search. A recent survey said that over half of all adoptees do not tell their adoptive parents about a search until it is concluded.

Fears about hurting their adoptive parents cause many adoptees to postpone a search until their adoptive parents have passed away. Some are staunchly afraid of appearing ungrateful or disloyal.... more

  Remember Sarah? She is the 18 year adoptee who told me:

“I have been waiting all my life to turn 18 so that I could do this (search for her birth mom). "

  Some young adoptees talk about wanting to find their birth parents, but when it comes to action they are not ready to proceed. Sarah had already gotten her non-identifying information by the time she contacted me. She also had copies of some... more

"I never wanted to hurt her feelings, or make her feel that I didn't appreciate what she had done for me by adopting me," said Bennette.

Sherri Bennette's comment above is such a typical one, but it always saddens me to think that so many still consider a search a personal affront to adoptive parents. A search is a personal quest and generally a much needed experience. People search because they want to satisfy their curiosity. Sometimes they may want to expand their circle of family by including birth family. A search is more a... more

This child of mine, this sweet brilliant child of mine says to me, “but you're an adult, why can’t you know now?”

A 5-year old can grasp the idea that an adult should have the right to know what hospital they were born in. However, many adults apparently cannot. The quote above is from a blog post in my friend Wraith's December 29 blog post entitled "Hospitals."

My good friend Wraith has spent a great deal of time, effort and energy the last few years searching for... more

The last day of 2006, what a whirlwind of a year this has been for me! As the old year ends, I cannot help but marvel at all that I have learned. Throughout the year about, I have seen the amazing resilency and resourcefulness of those separated by adoption. The dogged determination and strong desire to reunite in many separate family members continues to amaze me with each new story that I uncover.

The opportunity to watch and hear stories of search and reunions has been an exciting one for me. As reunions increase and become more frequent, more research... more