At some point in your search, you will be considering your options regarding hiring a searcher. In many states a confidential intermediary (CI) systems are in place, and a CI will be recommended to you by your agency or by the courts, In this series of blogs I will try and explain the options.. In the end, the decision that you make will be the result of many different factors that only you know and only you can weigh appropriately with your situation and your search.

Intermediaries are individuals with access to your file, either through court approval, or because they work for an adoption agency, who use that information to find the individual(s) you are searching for. When the... more

There are many stages of search and the first is the decision to search. At each stage you will likely encounter folks who will tell you or imply that you have not right to search. It is important to know or be familiar with your particular states adoption laws in order to counteract these attempts.

Another right to know obstacle of others that may be encounters are those who will question your right to disrupt your birth parents lives or your right to betray your adoptive parents by searching. It has been my experience that these people have little understanding of adoption or searchers, but these questions might be something that you yourself have struggled with, and it helps... more

1) Choose Who will search. Decide whether you want to make your search a personal quest or pay an agency or searcher for execute the search for you;

2) Request Non-identifying Information.. Obtain your non-identifying information from either the state in which your adoption occurred or the adoption agency; (I will share some tips on how to increase your chances of getting more info in the non-id in an upcoming blog entry.)

3) Request for Contact. If your adoption was through an agency, get in touch with them to see if a form called "Consent for Contact" or a letter has been placed in your file requesting contact. If... more

Before beginning a search, or as you proceed through the process, it is a good idea to consider all the possible outcomes. Try to determine if you are prepared for whatever you might find. Easier said than done, I know!

Although you may prepare yourself extensively, it is inevitable that some results may still be quite difficult to accept emotionally. However, it is better at least to consider the outcomes.

The end of a search can run the gamut. Here are some possibilities.

You may find that:

1) The person you were searching for is no longer... more

One factor in making the decision to search is the perception of how the adoptive parents might react. Many are afraid that the adoptive parents may feel that searching would hurt the adoptive parents. Even if the adoptive parents are willing to talk about it and answer the adoptees questions the best they could it may still be difficult to share with your adoptive parents that you are going to search. The fear of the reaction that they are your family and why would need to go any where else can be frightening.

It is important to explain and emphasize that the adoptee does not want to replace the family and that they are loved. You may experience feelings of quilt and worry about... more

The attitudes of those who don’t search is sometimes said to be a lack of curiosity. Those who decide to not search often say that they simply don’t think about searching and don’t need to. Some of these adoptees search later in life but what I have noticed is that the remain non committal or ambivalent about the prospect. Some are even very critical of those who do search. Since in my last blog, I wrote about the theories about the reasons for searching, I thought it would be nice to address the therioes about those who do not search. I believe that the sense of righteousness and loyalty play a part in the decision to not search. The adoptee may feel as if they don’t have the right... more

I think that one of the things that need to be addressed is the decision to search. Studies are being done every year and it is an ever changing world. Yesterday’s data does not necessarily apply to today but the common characteristic in data is that the patterns are the same and some general conclusions can be made.

One of the most common questions that I have encountered in the past 17 years in the adoption community is from those who are NOT adopted. They typically want to know “How Many Search”.

The answer to this question isn’t really straight forward and greatly depends on what is meant by “search”. There are so many factors that influence the search it self. Some... more

Considering a search is generally a pretty scary proposition for most of us participants in closed adoptions. For each member of the triad the idea of searching presents different challenges.

For adoptees, there may be some negative feedback when they announce that they are considering a search. People who aren’t adopted sometimes have a hard time grasping why a search is necessary. Consequently, some adopted people are sometimes peppered with insensitive probing questions about their desire to search. Comments such as:

"Aren’t your adoptive parents upset?" "Why does it matter?" "Wouldn’t it hurt your adoptive parents?" "Why do you need to know about your... more

"If you wait to do everything until you are sure it is right, you will probably never do much of anything."

Win Borden

1. Have I done my homework before searching? Have I met others who have reunited and searched? Read about search and reunion? Have some idea about what to expect? Done some Internet research?

2. Do I have a core support group of triad members and/or friends and family that will support and nurture me during my search?

3. What expectations do I have for my search? What do I want to accomplish? Information? A relationship? Healing? Do I expect reunion to "solve all my problems"?

4. Am I emotionally as prepared as possible for any outcome?... more

Drum Roll Please....It is a life-altering decision - the decision to initiate a search!

Now that you have decided to begin your search, I would like to offer some words of encouragement in case you are feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the possible ways to search. If you peruse some of the myriad of on-line search guides, embarking on an adoption search may seem quite a daunting task. (See an upcoming blog for a list of links to the sites that I feel have the most useful search guides.) The whole process can seem quite daunting in the beginning as there are so many different ways to go about searching. As the optimistic “Mary Sunshine” sort that I am, I will say this. Though it... more