I think that society has assumed that an adoptee who is healthy and well adjusted would have no desire to search for his or her birth or family history. There was a time in society that the adoptees who wanted to search and learn the truth were ungrateful and disturbed.

As time has progressed, and more is learned, society is realizing and changing. It is now seen to be normal and healthy for an adoptee to want to know more about their biological family, birth history, medical information, and genetic background. I really feel that once I had this information, although... more

I introduced you in a previous post to my good friend Fred, aka Farmer Boy. Fred is the first adoptee that I really had the opportunity to know well. As I may have mentioned in my previous post, Fred was over 40 years old before he began his search.

He was fortunate to be connected with others in the adoption community who were able to give him some good direction in his searching. He carefully put together the pieces of his puzzle, and finally found his birth mom’s name. One of the essential bits of information that cracked his search was a detail on hospital records that... more

An experience that I have had recently made me thing about the vulnerability that those searching put themselves in when posting on the internet, in guest books, registries, or posting to message boards. I would like to see everyone out there searching to be careful but always be yourself. Surround yourself with reputable groups and people in the adoption community and always seek out ethical search options.

During your search, no matter what part of the triad you are, there are some cautions that I think that each of us need to take. A majority of the folks in the adoption... more

Farmer Boy, as some of us lovingly refer to our friend, is the first adoptee that I really had a chance to know well. I met him at the local CUB support group at one of my very first meetings. He had searched for and found his birth mom and was just entering reunion when we met. Let’s call him “Fred” just so that I do not have to keep calling him “Farmer Boy” throughout this post!

Fred was struggling and in therapy when I first met him, and in a very difficult frame of mind. Unlike many adoptees,... more

Is the emotion of fear, rejection and abandonment a bad thing? Does it serve a purpose other than to establish limits that can last a long time? Have these limits become unknown and hidden? Do we tend to cover our fears with beliefs and stories? Do these beliefs and stories reinforce the fear? At some point fear, rejection and abandonment may have had a positive purpose. Maybe it has served to insure my survival.

There was a time in my life that I thought I knew the risks of intimate relationships. I was fearful of intimacy because of my experiences with being hurt.... more

After a lifetime of hearing different variations of "you are not that child's mother", "you should be over your pain", etc. all of which I discussed in Part 1 & Part 2 is it any wonder that many birth moms never search? Or, if found have trouble allowing themselves to reconnect with their relinquished children?

Is it any wonder after years of internalizing all those comments... more

Making the decision to have a child is momentous -- it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~ Elizabeth Stone

Between the negative comments from others and the guilt that birth mothers may heap on themselves, it is hard for many of them to believe that they deserve to have any contact with their relinquished children. I have even heard some birth mothers with children in open adoptions who make comments that indicate that they may not feel that they “deserve” contact. They say that they do not want to “bother” or “interfere” with their... more

Have you begun to search and run into attitudes and people who make you want to scream?

During your search, you may come across some troublesome attitudes when you tell people about your search. Even some of the agencies or other facilities that may have your records may be not be supportive of searches. Some people just do not understand why anyone wants or needs to search. In some instances, some people who control access to records are openly hostile to searchers.

Therefore, if you are embarking on a search it might be best to prepare for mean-spirited, uninformed... more

When women relinquish children to adoption, there seem to be a number of stock comments that many of them hear repeatedly. These comments may begin before the baby is born, and continue throughout a woman's lifetime. When a birth mom expresses sadness, regret or sorrow, instead of having her feeling validated, here is what she is often told:

 Get over it, put “it” in the past;  You were too young to be a mother, it would have ruined your life;  You have no right to that child; you are not its mother anymore;  The best... more

Adoptive parents, if you have a child or children in closed adoptions - this post is especially for you! Is your child still a baby? Thinking about that baby ever wanting or needing to search may seem a long way off. If your child is older, maybe they have begun to be ask questions about their birth family.

Closed adoptions operate on a simple, neat premise. A baby is born to a woman who then gives that baby to another family to raise forever. The mother who gave birth to the baby may or may not ever meet or know anything about the adoptive parents. The birth and adoptive... more