Asking yourself what you hope to find when you make contact will help you focus your thinking. Exploring ideas of what the other person may be thinking and feeling will help you to develop empathy.

Meeting other birth parents – but not your own birth parents – can help you feel the range of feelings and adjust to different scenarios. Meeting other people from your own past, such as an agency social worker or former foster parent will help you connect with the feeling of meeting someone who really cared for you and thinks about you from time to time.

Before... more

Some people believe that all adoptees who search are weak, unhappy or possess other equally negative attitudes and qualities. Certainly, this could be the case for some searchers. There are some adoptees who search that long for their birth families due to a lack of connection or dissatisfaction with their adoptive families.

Other adoptees who grew up in abusive, dysfunctional families might be tempted to look for another family who might love them and treat them better. They might have fantasy ideas about their birth family.

I believe that some adoptees might... more

These instructions can help adoptees find their birth name, using their amended birth certificate -- but only if the adoptee is born within the five boroughs of New York City.

1. On your amended birth certificate, find the number in the upper right hand corner. It should look something like this: 146-67-105231 2. Take the third group of numbers -- in the sample number, 105231. Remove the first number from this group. The number you now have is 05231. This is the number that corresponds with your original birth record in the Birth Index for the City of New York.... more

When the adoption is finalized an adoption decree is issued. If a child was NOT adopted formally or had gone into an orphanage or foster care the natural parents names would still be on the birth certificate and the child could get it. Anyone can relinquish a child but only those whose children get adopted have their birth certificates altered. This raises the question of confidentiality. If the records reflect the truth until the adoption and then are closed and the amended birth certificate is issued when the adoption is finalized who is being protected?... more

During your search you may learn that a brother or sister had died before or during your search. You may learn that a sibling is mentally retarded, that one of your natural parents has be admitted to a mental institution or a criminal record. You may learn that your natural father was killed in action. All of these examples can leave you feeling devastated.

Some searching may have few negatives but rather disappointments to deal with concerning who you may find. You may learn that your natural parents come from two very different backgrounds which can... more

Many who search sometimes wait until after their adoptive parents are deceased. Some adoptees may feel that even though his or her adoptive parents are deceased they still have to deal with the fear of disgracing their memory as if searching would make a statement against them.

I was only 21 when I initiated my search. When I learned that my natural mother was 29 at the time of my birth I pushed way the idea that she might be deceased. After all, when I started my search she was only 51. When I learned my natural mother was deceased at the age of 52... more

For me, searching was the most incredible journey. Even though I found a grave, I don’t regret doing it. My search was for a truth not for a relationship. I didn’t realize how much I wanted a relationship until after my search was completed.

Your adoptive parents can also be a huge help. They may give you everything they have on the adoption. They may not even realize how much they have. They may follow and support you through your search and to the end.

Adoptees grow during their search. At that begging they may feel appalled at the bureaucratic... more

Continuing on from Part 1 which listed what some birth moms at reunion may fear:

 Contact with her child might seem a betrayal to the adoptive parents;

 Being in touch with her child is unfair to the parents that raised her child;

 What the neighbors may think if they find out. Yes, even now, some birth mothers worry about how others will judge her.

By the way, I am not saying that I agree with or believe that these are logical reasons, I definitely do not. There are other possibilities as to why a birth mother... more

What do you say to an adoptee whose birth mother has refused any contact after having been found? I do not believe that you should dismiss the hurt that this may cause them. Nor should you tell them it is not important; they are entitled to feel as they do.

For many adoptees, connecting with their birth mother means a lot to them. Therefore, it is hurtful when contact is refused. Do not try to talk them out of their feelings, but help them understand.

How do you explain what factors motivate a birth mom to refuse contact? There are no easy answers. Unless... more

Natural mothers also have expectations, hopes, fantasies, and fears. A natural mother may think that it is possible for the child they relinquished to adoption may search. Some natural mothers have said that they didn’t fantasize about it though because they were too traumatized by the whole event and afraid to disrupt that the life of the person that they relinquished to adoption several years before.

Some natural parents fantasize about the child they relinquished to adoption wondering who she is, how she is, and what she looks like. Some may even like to... more