There are 10 stages of grief and I think it is important to understand the process through which most people must go through as they face their loss. It is not an easy process and it doesn’t mean that every person goes through all of these stages nor do they go through them in this order.

The first stage is shock and this is when the loss is so overwhelming you can’t believe what has happened. Shock is a temporary escape from reality. It is good to keep busy and to continue to carry on as much of the usual activities as possible.

Emotion is the second stage and comes... more

In understanding guilt I think the first thing you have to ask yourself is what things specifically are bothering you the most. Guilt shouldn’t be ignored or pushed down but rather talk about your guilt until you can let it go.

I believe that when guilt is an issue it is important to accept the fact that you did the best you could and realize that living is a balance. There isn’t room for blaming yourself for things that you did not know or could no t change.

Forgiveness is another important factor when dealing with guilt. You may need to ask for forgiveness. I am sure... more

Effects of Disenfranchised Grief The effects of disenfranchised grief and consequent poor grief resolution are displayed in a variety of ways and in varying degrees. Depression, emotional disturbances, withdrawal from society, psychosomatic illnesses and low self-esteem are all symptoms. Many of those affected succumb to substance abuse and have difficulty in forming healthy relationships. Jeffrey Kaufmann is quoted in Disenfranchised Grief, "The loss of community that may occur as a consequence of disenfranchised grief fosters an abiding sense of loneliness and abandonment".... more

Resolution of Grief

The goal in successful grief resolution is to reestablish emotional equilibrium. Ms. Robinson used Worden's model of grief counseling from his book, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, to demonstrate how the disenfranchised grief of natural mothers interferes with the successful resolution of grief. The four aspects he presents as necessary for successful grief resolution include: first, accept the reality of the loss; second, experience the pain of grief; third, adjust to the environment from which the lost person is missing; and fourth, withdraw... more

At the June 1997 Australian Adoption conference in Brisbane, Evelyn Robinson delivered a speech on "Grief Associated with the Loss of Children to Adoption." The speech was taken from Ms. Robinson's essay on "Bereavement and Loss", which was written for her degree in social work. Ms. Robinson also presented the material in August 1998 in Scotland and is currently writing a book on the subject. Much of the text below was taken directly from her work and this particular series was written by a dear friend of mine, Nathalie Troland. Nathalie is a reunited natural mother for 15+... more

Intimacy being the sixth core issue in adoption is the loss, feelings of rejection, shame and grief, and incomplete sense of self may hinder the development of intimacy for triad members. Triad members avoid possible reenactment of previous losses is to avoid closeness and commitment.

Triad members may hold back a part of themselves in a relationship. There may be difficulties in bonding and attachment. Intamacy issues may be more obvious in relationships with members of the opposite sex because of questions in regards to conception, biological or genetic concerns... more

A few weekends ago I encountered a searching adoptee whose anger is sadly getting the best of her. After a few email exchanges with her, I thought it might be good to write about the losses of adoption and grief. The thing with adoption is that there are gains and losses for all triad members. Adoptees gain parents while loosing their birth parents. Adoptive parents who are infertile become parents while losing the dream of giving birth to a child. Birth parents are relieved of the parenting while losing a child.

Even in the world of open adoptions, there is loss.... more

There are numerous positive ways to cope with the adoption situation in your life. Support group meetings, conferences, counseling, searching, are just a couple.

The dynamics of a support group are always the same. There purpose is to offer comfort, sympathy, and an opportunity to talk about your feelings and emotions in a safe environment. I am going to say that all support groups are not for everyone and that if you try one and it doesn’t feel right, try another one. One thing is for sure though that a support group is one of the few places where... more